Hi LaNell,

So glad you stopped by to visit. Here's a few that I hope will bring a smile or two to start off the week...

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but
he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...

Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells . . . . . .

"SUPPLIES!"

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A school teacher was quizzing her students.

"Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?"

He said, "Darn if I know."

She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe.

She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"

"Well, heck, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know."

The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that darn thing, heck, you darn well better admit it!"

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An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.



"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."



When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!



Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"



The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."



"From hunger, you mean?"



"No, from de skippin'!!!!!"

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After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The playful clerk handed him a mirror.

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Why God Made Moms ...

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions

Why did God make mothers?

• She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
• Mostly to clean the house.
• To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

• He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
• Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
• God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

• God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
• They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?

• My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
• I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
• They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

• His last name.
• She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
• Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

• Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
• Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
• I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

• Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
• Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
• Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
• Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine..

What does your mom do in her spare time?

• Mothers don't do spare time.
• To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

• On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
• Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

• She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
• I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
• I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

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Have A Terrific Week,

Phil

Good Morning Phil! Thank you.

Sara

Hi Sara,

Thanks for the Cute Cat, that's adorable.

I was just sitting here pondering.

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it, English can be a difficult language.

There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

Have A Terrific Week My Friend,

Phil

Hi Phil, I got this yesterday in email and thought I would share.

Sara

Hi Sara,

Thanks for stopping by and Thanks for the Political Humor.

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One day a Politician up in Washington, D.C., was clearing out his office drawers when he found a magic lamp. Since he'd heard many jokes before to do with lamps, he knew that he had to rub it and make the Genie appear. This he did and out popped a Genie.

The Genie asked, as Genies do, 'What is your first wish, oh master?'

The Politician thought about it for a second, then replied, 'I would like to be extremely rich.' So the Genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivalling the amounts of even Bill Gates & Warren Buffett.

Since the Politician knew the whole wish process, the Genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, 'My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command.' And poof, he was there.

Finally, the Politician decided on his third wish, 'I don't want to do any work ever again in my life.' And poof he was back in his office.

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Have A Great Day,

Phil