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Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried
in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone
eating.
Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not
mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it
snows.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four
men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of
beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try
to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what
they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing
bait in the same store.
Remember: "Y'all" is singular.
"All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural
possessive.
There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a
Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a
Boston accent.
People walk slower here.
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone.
They don't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a
transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big
ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five
percent begin their new southern influenced dialect
with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial
about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no
longer proper.
"He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay
until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the
tent is torn down.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch
this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last
words he will ever say.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they
ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal
blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest
assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
Northerners can be identified by the spit on the
inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at
other drivers.
The winter wardrobe you always brought out in
September can wait until November.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of
even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence
is required at the local grocery store. It does not
matter if you need anything from the store, it is just
something you're supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When
you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in
front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind
that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer
and should, therefore, be displayed.
Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have
a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is
going to lose a trailer.
Florida is not considered a Southern state (except
Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners
living there.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55
mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember,
many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle
known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane
position for the vehicle.
You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless
you already know the positions of key hills, trees and
rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
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