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If Jesus Were Alive Today
5/29/2009 6:39:18 PM
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If Jesus were alive today...
If Jesus were alive today, he would be a homeless guy going from city to city as best he could.
He'd have been born in a burnt out or half exploded shell of a building in Bethlehem, amid a hail of bullets.
He'd have spent his first couple of years not knowing what it meant exactly to be an Arab or a Jew.
His parents would have been too poor to afford child care, and with
all the cuts in social aid in Israel these days, he'd have been out
playing with other kids in the streets almost as soon as he could walk.
He'd speak more Arabic than Hebrew, because that's what his friends and his unofficial babysitter spoke.
Some crazy commander would get the bright idea to round up all the
kids who even looked remotely Arab, and teach them how to rat on their
peers, both Arab and Jewish, who have joined peace activism groups. He
would get drunk one night, and brag about this project to three
tourists.
Miriam and Yussef would be card carrying members, of course, and
have to flee with little Yeshua to Egypt, fortunately with whatever the
tourists could spare to help them out.
They would teach him Hebrew, but he would get a lot more practice in Arabic.
When things settled down a bit, they would return, and little
Yeshua would continue his studies in an Israeli public school in
Nazareth.
In this school he would learn that it's bad to be a racist, and
that Arabs are not all bad...but every villain in the stories he read
would be made to look like a stereotypical "rag head".
A bus would blow up near his school, and this would be the fault of an extremist Islamic group.
...but rather than do as other Jews in his area, he would go out
and hang with his Arab friends. He would talk to them about what
happened, and why. He might be one of very few Jews who understands
that they don't want a totalitarian government any more than Jews do.
At some point in Jesus's teens, his peace activist parents would
take him to a festival in the north. In one of the raves, they'd
somehow lose track of him, and later find him among a group of guys in
psychadellic shirts, barefoot, with Caribbean coloured kippot,
disussing metaphysics.
At 30, unmarried and understanding that he had a world family to
tend to, not just a genetic one, he'd go to the Sinai, and from there,
to revisit the Jewish community in Egypt.
From there, he'd visit parts of Africa with Jewish communities, and learn more about his brothers and sisters in the diaspora.
From Africa, he'd go to Europe, and from there to South America, the U.S. Asia, and everywhere he could.
...and eventually the president of the United States would hear
about this "Jewish missionary to the Jews". Some would call him "the
king of the Jews".
Being that there had supposedly already been one of those, on whom
one of the world's most powerful religions was based, this Yeshua II
would be a severe threat if he was interested in anyone but Jews.
Slowly but surely, information would leak to the president that indeed, he was.
He healed the sick of any nationality, creed, religion, or
"race"...and he's said to have even brought people out of deep comas
with but a call for them to wake up.
People were starting to like this guy.
...this Jesus of Nazareth.
A big sigh of relief was felt throughout the world's powers when
they read on Jesus's website, that he has no political aspirations, and
no intentions to convert the world to Judaism. He's just about the
love...God's love. In fact, he pointed to G-d, not to himself. He
understood the human mind though, and allowed people who needed to, to
treat him as an avatar of G-d. He respected their beliefs.
...but the world's political leaders found his prophecies a bit disturbing.
As the Jesus before him, he was found at some of the wildest
parties...not drinking anything but water or a bit of wine...not
smoking anything special, but likely picking up some serious contact
fumes...and during these parties, he would tell stories about the past,
present, and future.
He was telling people to invest and buy property, and to give a good part of that to the poor...voluntary communism.
He was telling people that someday the Vatican would fall, and there wouldn't be a stone on top of a stone.
He was saying that someday "they" are going to get him, but that
nobody should resort to violence over it. It's just what governments
are like...and not to worry because he would rise again.
But one day, Jesus was passing by a synagogue in Texas, and
overheard a rabbi basically telling the family of a woman whose hopeful
ex was extorting them for a ghet, to pay the man. He knew this corrupt
man was going to get a cut of the money.
Jesus went postal.
He tore up everything he could get his hands on, and then took off
his belt, and whupped the rabbi, and everyone who came out to restrain
him.
Jesus went to jail.
Somehow the rabbi mysteriously died from the bruises on his butt from the whupping.
Jesus was tried, and called everything from a self hating Jew to a spy to a psychopath, and sentenced to death.
Seven years later, he was executed by lethal injection.
Because of the fear that his prophecies might come true , his body was burned to a cinder, and the ashes scattered into the sea.
The news announced that this Jesus of Nazareth must have been a false prophet, and maybe even the Antichrist.
Three days after his execution, some Mexican fisherman saw a man
walking on the water, and pulled him into their boat. One of them
recognized him as an old friend.
He chilled with them for a month, but then told them that he had to go, but that he'd be back again.
What he didn't tell them was how many times.
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