The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2009!!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John,seated in front.

'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery storebut she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get anybigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stoppedfor speeding rolled down his window.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.

The kid replied, 'Yeah, well, I got here as fast as Icould'

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a signthat read:

Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it.

Cars are backed up for miles

Finally a police car comes up.

The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver,puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck,huh?'

The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009!!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not beinghere tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his handand asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

Hello everyone, this is an oldie but I still find it hilarious everytime I read it. :):)

Does Your Campground Have a BC?

The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again and rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC. "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him.

After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous. Even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats.

I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember, this is a friendly community.

Sincerely,
Campground Owner

:):)

Cowboys& Indians

Threestrangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge inCalgary, Alberta, while awaiting their respective flights.

One isa native Indian from the Sarcee Reserve; another is a cowboy on his wayto Lethbridge for a livestock auction. The third passenger is afundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at the University of Calgaryfrom the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Albertanslearn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine tableand tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
Thewind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock isflapping, but still no plane comes.

To break the silence, the Indian clears his throat and softly speaks:"Atone time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward:"Once my peoplewere few, he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

AMEN!

Quote:
Hey Evelyn,

BC for the dainty? Guess she got a bit more then she can chew with that reply. Wonder what the chorus was like?

Here's one that's not so PC but who cares? :)

Shalom,

Peter

Cowboys& Indians

Threestrangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge inCalgary, Alberta, while awaiting their respective flights.

One isa native Indian from the Sarcee Reserve; another is a cowboy on his wayto Lethbridge for a livestock auction. The third passenger is afundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at the University of Calgaryfrom the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Albertanslearn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine tableand tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
Thewind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock isflapping, but still no plane comes.

To break the silence, the Indian clears his throat and softly speaks:"Atone time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward:"Once my peoplewere few, he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Alberta cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and fromthe darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl,
"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet . . . but Ido believe it's a-comin'.."