Hi Peter,

These just in the morning's mail...

Bilingual Barnyard

A flock of sheep are romping in a field, happily going "baa
baa" to each other and discussing life as usual when
suddenly they hear a "moo mooooooooooooooooooo!"

They look around and see only sheep. They carry on playing
as before.

"Moooooo mooooooooooo mmmoo!"

One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him. He
shuffles away a little from his friend, a worried look on
his face, and then asks, "Georgie, why are you mooing?
You're a sheep. Sheep go 'baa'!"

His friend replies gladly, "I know. I thought I would learn
a foreign language!"

_______________

God and the Scientist

God is sitting in heaven when a scientist says to him,
"Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally
figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other
words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell me," replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it
into your likeness and breathe life into it, thus creating
man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold
the soil.

"Oh no, no, no," interrupts God. "Get your own dirt."

_______________

Aunt Karen

The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: get
their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end
of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell
their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer, and we have a lot of
egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market
in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big
bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and
made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are
farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We
had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got
ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't
count your chickens before they're hatched.'"

"That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael, do you have a story
to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt
Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane
was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all
she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a
machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it
wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of a
hundred enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the
machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed
twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she
killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of
moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"

_______________

How to Clean the House

1. Open a new folder on your PC.

2. Name it "Housework."

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete
Housework permanently?"

6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.

7. Now, don't you feel better?

_______________

Y'all Keep Smiling & Have A Great Day,

Phil

Hi Peter,

Sorry, Couldn't help myself.

A Few More Blonde Jokes...

She was Soooooooo Blonde

* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says 'Sign here:' she wrote 'Sagittarius.'

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On Phonics.'

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said 'Concentrate.'
* She told me to meet her at the corner of 'WALK' and 'DON'T WALK.'
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, 'Airport Left,' she turned around and went home..

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said 'TGIF,' which she thought stood for 'This Goes In Front.'

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

Blond at the Laundromat

Have A Great Week My Friends,

Phil

Life explained.........

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
So God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

:):)