Pig Farmers
A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had determined to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided rather than sell the pigs they'd mate them and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 am., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they're pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning--they're pregnant, if they're in the mud--they're not."
The next morning the female pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. The following morning the pigs were in the mud again! This continued all week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn!"
Another Sad Hunting Incident
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
Disclaimer to Male Readers: All Things Southern does not recommend following this man's example on Valentines Day, or any other day for that matter. ~smile.
Fading Attraction
"Fading Attraction"
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman then gave the officer her license.
"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"
Cruel and Unusual Punishment
"Cruel and Unusual Punishment "
The great Minnie Pearl used to tell this one:
There was a little boy who was acting up something horrible. His mother warned him if he didn't stop, she was gonna have to give him a whippin'! Well, he kept on misbehaving until his mom finally said, "That's it!" and she proceeded to give him the spanking of his life. The little boy went crying all the way upstairs, ran into his mom's bedroom, stood in front of her full-length mirror and dropped his britches. After taking one look he went," Hmph!"
Then he marched straight back downstairs and to his mom and announced, "Boy, I sure hope you're happy! You cracked it!"
Seeing Eye to Eye
"Seeing Eye to Eye"
Three travelers happened to meet at a restaurant in Ohio. One man was from Michigan, one from Florida and one from Alabama. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.
The guy from Michigan said, "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that I was tired of fast food and wouldn't have any more of it in our home. Well, the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, and a wonderful dinner was prepared."
So the man from Florida spoke up, "I had kinda the same experience. I told my wife we couldn't afford the maid any longer and she would have to do her own cleaning and shopping. The first day I didn't see anything. The second day didin't see anything. But the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and the pantry shelves were filled with groceries."
The fellow from Alabama pushed out his chest and said: "Hmmph! I told my wife just last week that she would have to do the cooking, shopping AND housecleaning. I thought she took it okay. Well, the first day I saw nothing! The second day--I still saw nothing. But by the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye!"
Young Love
Did you hear about the farmer's son who told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father took a long look at his six-year-old and tried to hide his smile.
"That's a serious step," he said, "have you thought it out completely?"
"Sure," the young boy answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night."
"How about transportation?" the father asked. "I have my wagon and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had answers to every question the father raised. Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're likely to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it."
Quick Thinking
A mother had prepared a big country breakfast for her family. The peaceful meal was soon interrupted by her sons, Kevin age 5, and Ryan age 3, arguing over who would get the last biscuit.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "Listen boys," she said, "If Jesus were sitting here, He'd say 'Let my brother have the last biscuit.' "
Being the oldest, Kevin was quickest on the draw. "Okay Ryan," he said, "You can be Jesus!"
Straight Talk
A couple from New York was touring the great state of Louisiana, checking out all the fine southern cuisine and Cajun cooking they'd heard so much about. Late that evening they stopped in a small town restaurant for dinner and noticed several chicken dishes on the menu.
When the waitress came to take their order, the New York gentleman inquired earnestly, "Please, ma'am, would you tell us how you prepare your chickens?"
After a short pause, the waitress replied, "Well, sir, around here we don't do anything real special. We just tell 'em straight out: they're gonna' die."
~Shellie
Accents
Have you heard the one about the little boy from Virginia with the Wisconsin relatives? One day he asked his mom why all their relatives talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.
"People from different places talk in different ways," his mom explained. "But, you have to understand that to them we sound like we talk very slow and all of our words are d-r-a-w-n out."
The little boys eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"
Boudreaux Plays a Mean Joke
One time Boudreaux went ta town and got him a fancy shock collar so he could train hims new dog. Dat smart alecky ting come wit a remote. Alls Boudreaux had to do was push a button and dat collar would "shock" dat dog and teach it a lesson if'n it was doin wrong.
Well, Boudreaux wuz 'bout to learn him dog someting when Ole Pierre drapped by and started askin a bunch of questions 'bout it, worrying Boudreaux so much dat he decided to play a trick on his ole friend.
"Why, dis is a new fangled telephone, Pierre," Boudreaux tole him. "If'n you put this collar on your neck and walk out yonder a piece I'll show you how we can talk to each udder."
Poor Pierre put dat collar on and walked out ina yard a good ways and turned around 'bout de time Boudreaux done hit the juice button.
"Whoa! Boudreaux!" Pierre hollered. "Don't say nutin' else. Dis ting's got a short in it."
It's all in the Translation
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
The problem was the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. So, the Ranger asked a local to translate his message, giving the bandit a choice to come clean with where the money was or die.
After hearing the Ranger's translated message, the terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger anxiously.
The local answered, "He say he no afraid to die!"
Here's Tha Rules!
"ATTENTION ALL VISITORS TO _________! (Please insert the southern state of your choice.) HERE'S THA RULES!"
1. Pull up your pants and take that earring out. You look like an idiot.
2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. So, drive or git outta the way.
3. Yeah, we all started hunting and fishing before we started to school. Sure, we saw "Bambi" but we got over it.
4. Go ahead. Bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod--but don't cry when a catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for that little 10 inch bass you're fishing for--we call it "bait."
5. That bent-over farmer did more work before breakfast than you do all week, including your visits to the gym. He does't need your respect but he surely DESERVES IT.
6. If your cell phone rings while we're in the woods waiting on a buck, we'll shoot it. You might hope you don't have it to your ear at the time.
7. If you bring "Coke" into our homes, it'd better be brown, wet, and best served over a glass of ice.
8. You have a $60,000 car? We're not impressed. Heck, we drive tractors, cotton pickers and hay balers that cost a quarter million dollars--and we only drive them a few weeks each year.
9. Yeah, we eat catfish, deer, rabbit, and squirrel. You want sushi? It's available at the bait shop.
10. What's that? People are waving at you in your car and smiling at you on the streets? We call it being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
11. And finally, we still believe in the Bible; that Jesus is the only way to get to Heaven because Adam's sin separated man from God. Don't you?
Please, ENJOY YOUR VISIT. You might even like us so well you'll want to stay. But, if not, well, there are interstates running four ways: north, south, east and west. JUST PICK ONE.
Wedding Memories
A woman awakes during the night to find her husband isn't in bed. She finds him downstairs, sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car fooling around?"
"Yes, I remember..." says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would've gotten out today."
Finally, Here's a Little Southern Logic...