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Mr.
Mr. D

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RE: Your Friday Chuckle - Every Day Of The Week
6/6/2012 11:22:56 AM

Gynecologist's Assistant

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver , and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings , Montana ."

"Good grief . . . Is that where the job is?"

"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now.

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Mr.
Mr. D

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RE: Your Friday Chuckle - Every Day Of The Week
6/6/2012 11:23:59 AM

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.


Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.


Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:


Dear Mrs. Harris ,


Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are"documented by our video surveillance cameras":


1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.


2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.


3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.


4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.


5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.


6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.


8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.


9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.


10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.


11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.


12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.


13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'


14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!


15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?


And last, but not least:


16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'


Got banned and no more shopping with her.

Something I will have to live with.

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Mr.
Mr. D

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RE: Your Friday Chuckle - Every Day Of The Week
6/6/2012 11:58:13 AM

Midnight Jokes

Adults Only Please

❦❦❦❦❦❦

SIMPLE TRUTH 1


Partners help each other undress before sex.


However after sex, they always dress on their own.


Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2


When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".


But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".


Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.


No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me


A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.


'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.


The old man looked off in the distance without answering.


'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.


The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'



FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE


1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.


2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole’s name.


3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.


4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.


5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.



THERE YOU HAVE IT...and remember, life is good.

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Rick Martin

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RE: Your Friday Chuckle - Every Day Of The Week
6/7/2012 6:06:10 PM
I can only say DumbAsses,

Sandy Miller
2 hours ago · .NOW WE KNOW WHY THE COUNTRY IS IN THE SHAPE IT'S IN.....Excerpts from a DC Airline Ticket Agent

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of ‘why’ our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman’s (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ”I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .” Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ”Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa ” his response — click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, ‘don’t lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!” (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ”Is it possible to see England from Canada ?” I said, ”No.” She said, ”But they look so close on the map.” (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ”I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.” (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ”Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, ‘No, why do you ask?’ he replied, ”Well, when I checked in with the airline they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!” After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ”Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?”

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Alaska who asked, ”How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ”I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ”I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?” I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, ”Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. ‘Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ”Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ”I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .” I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ”Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” ‘Yes, what flights do you have?’ replied the man. After some searching, I came back with, “I’m sorry, sir, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a rhino anywhere.” ‘The man retorted, ‘Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!’ So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ‘You don’t mean Buffalo , do you?’ The reply? ‘Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.’

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it’s in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?


Always Ask What would Christ do and follow your heart.
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Geketa Holman

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RE: Your Friday Chuckle - Every Day Of The Week
6/7/2012 9:25:12 PM


While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road
and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just Wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."

Best explanation I've heard yet.
Hear, O Israel the L-rd our G-d,the L-rd is one http://www.DHGBoutique.com
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