Regarding your thoughts Alain, it's so true that often even the best of people "hear" more of what their own mind is "thinking" when others are talking than what the other is saying; we humans just do this normally unless we make effort to do something different. Also when we do listen, we sift what we hear through our own developed and formed "paradigms," so that here again, we can perceive meanings different than what the other was trying to express.

One example just occurred to me: When I tell people my testimony that included my husband seeing the Lord and then after being miraculously healed and me also being delivered so greatly from a year long spiritual stronghold that seriously, was intended to kill me, the response I usually get it...Sorry that you went through this.  It puzzles me when I hear that because I'm not feeling bad at all, but am feeling the astonishing unearthly wonder over what I saw!  I can't say it was worth going through, but like many fiery trials, when you see such Grace deliver you, the magnificence and wonder of seeing the invisible God show up so vividly in your mortal world far outweighs any pain or trauma you can ever experience!

I say non of this with any negative feelings; I know what's it's like to be human!  ha ha!  I'm human too!  I do such things too.  Just reflecting on how even if we "hear" words, have we also heard the motive, reasoning, and spirit behind the words?  I think it takes an effort of focus and awareness to try to "hear" and perceive the real meanings and intents behind what a person is saying, and even practice because even if we try, I still think it takes us effort and growth to develop the ability.  Do you all think so?

One excercise that can be practiced in order to learn how to not only "hear" say, your partner, but also "respond" in a way that meets the needs they are trying to convey is.....

You play McDonald's Drive Thru Window Game!  Heard of it?  You take turns; one time "you" are the order taker and your partner is the customer. You say, Can I take your order?  Your partner says, "Yes, I'd like such and so, (for example they might say, "I'd like you to make eye contact when I'm trying to talk to you, because when you don't "It makes me feel" like you really don't care about what I'm saying, but if you will do this, I will feel like you do care."   Then....instead of the futile "defense response" "You' say this...."What I hear you saying is"...."If I will look at you when you're tlaking to me then you will feel like I care about what you are saying and you will feel happier or more fullfilled."

In this way, the customer gets their "real" thoughts "validated" (so important!) and also get their "real" needs met!   By doing this we avoid....not hearing the other person but only hearing our own head's response...we avoid Defending ourselves instead of addressing what the other person is trying to say they want and need....and we resolve conflict instead of creating more conflict that just goes in circles.

Conflict is said to either move us farther apart or bring us into greater intimacy...depending on if we have ways to resolve that are effective vs. ineffective ways that don't resolve anything.

                                                     The Psych "Rambler"  Kim

Good Morning Kim!

Thanks for this great reflection that you share with us this morning...

It certainly reflects many great truths...

and, also makes us realize how of a challenge it can be to be able to go over all of what we are feeling inside or experiencing in our lives so that we can be fully there to listen to what is being expressed by the other person besides me.

and, it makes me realize also that I am not always able to understand the other person that well regarding what is being expressed and if I understand well, then I might not be able to respond in a way that would really support the other person; sometimes because of different beliefs, faiths, cultural issues or else...

In this case, maybe just being present, respectful of what is being expressed even within the differences might be all the best I can offer this person in this specific moment.



Have a great and Blessed Day My Friend,
With Friendship,
Alain

Hi Alain and Kim,

You two are really good for me.  I love your thoughts and your caring attitudes. 

I would like to share what happened to me yesterday.  I am a certified Pastoral Care Giver at a hospital.  I go once a week and spent at least  3 hours of visiting patients.  It is very interesting , rewarding and sometimes challenging. Yesterday was one of those challenging days.  I stopped to see the gentleman and he was sleeping, so I went on to someone else. So after visiting another beautiful 91 year lady, what a wonderful lady she was.......  So after tuning in my slips(we need to make a slip for each persons chart to put in there folder)  to the unit clerk.........  I was on my way of leaving the section of the hospital when I noticed the gentleman that was sleeping, was now awake......  So I go bopping in being very cheerful, and I fine a man that is so down, I could have cried. I had a little trouble getting him to talk much, then I  ask him about his family and he said, I don't have any.  I kiddingly, said well that no big deal, my family doesn't want anything to do with me........but he was so serious, I ask him to tell me why he had no family.  He started by saying" my 1st wife died, she was a wonderful woman, we were married 47 years".  But I am now married to a witch" ........Do you have any children?  Yes, I had a daughter, but she died of breast cancer at 49 years of old.  .....Do you have any grand children? yes, but my wife ran them off, she will not allow them around........Do you know where they are?  ..Yes in college.........Can you contact them, maybe the would come to see you.....Oh, I don't thing they would........But I said you don't know that unless you ask them.  They may think you don't want them around............At this point I did not know what to do.  He then said I am so lonely........he then tolld me he is living in a nursing home, does not drive, didn't hear why he could not drive anymore,.............. I then ask him to get involved with someone there.  He said they are too old, he is 82  Then he ask me " If I thought it would be wrong to divorse his wife, I was told I would go to he** if I divorsed her.......I said oh no you will not.....God loves you he isn't going to send you anywhere, he wants you to be happy..........

I guess I was getting to him in a way I did not want him to respond, but here I am showing kindness to a poor lonely man that is sick and no one cares, and he starting crying........So I told him I would do what I could for him.  I told him I would talk to my pastor and see if we could get him some help.  He took my hand and said i want someone to love I am so lonely...........OMG !!!! what do you do?

Any ideas, they would be appreciated. ....... Do I get to involved with these people.  I don't think so, I just care, they are hurting.......  You know the old saying, "walk a mile in my shoes"

Thanks for listening,
Blessings,
Myrna

Oh Myrna,   God bless you for going into hard places where people are hurting!  And Yes I can "see" this in you well; I've been in Geriatrics for years and know the people who do what you do.  The first thing I do wonder is...is this man truly oriented fully?  Often those who are not imagine things, and some of them may be true but these people do often imagine things much more vividly terrible than they are.  Like, people often think the facility is out to kill them, or they imagine their wives or husbands are taking "all" their money and cheating on them, when we have known it wasn't true.

If it's not the case, then much of the man's sadness may still be do to his decline in life...not being able to drive anymore and a Nursing Home?  Maybe his wife is a witch, maybe not, yet maybe so, but I still wonder if other life conditions are not compounding on him. 

I suppose you could try to get this info to Nursing or other people involved in his care for example social worker would be a good one....if nothing else...if he does go to Nursing Home or even there, social workers etc...will get him on anti-depressants if he keeps showing pain and distance, and will also interract with him on life issues. 

Many people feel life is over when they go to Nursing Home (I work there for years)....but often they adjust in littte time, and if it's a decent place, I see them gain something of a life and one that they feel some power over, which is necessary and good. 

Update me Myrna ok?   I do love these people too and do feel for their light in life.....if his wife is a witch....he may find better friends and family in the Home!  He would in mine cos we would love him up!  Kim

Hello Myrna and Kim!

Happy to see you both here contributing with so profound subjects and involving yourself so directly... Happy also that you find here the right place for You to share about yourself or people close to you... Thanks for sharing!



As mentioned by Kim in her reply to you Myrna and as I touched upon a little here in a previous post... it is not always easy to find and understand what is being expressed... in this particular case, what is the real reason behind such sadness of the soul... maybe there are many reasons.

This type of situation is very far from my own knowledge and experience though I have seen close people loosing much of their autonomy with age and this in itself is most certainly something very tough to go through... besides all the other aspects here... wife, children, loneliness, nursing home...

Also, some people at this age are confusing many things in their head as they are going through some kind of personal review of all what their life has been... and, some were not as lucky as I am and might have had it quite tough!

In some cases, as Kim mentioned too much is involved and the person really need some medical assistance to support through all of this...

And, in my humble opinion, YOU Myrna did already so much for him... You provided for a short moment of human warmth, friendship, love, support and if you look a little more at the results... you were able to have him talk to you about his sadness and many of the possible reasons behind... he was able to feel and express some of it in your presence through tears...

CONGRATULATIONS for sharing so much Love Myrna.



Love and Blessings to both of You My friends,
Alain