A Message from John Cleese
To: The citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to
nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not
fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium,
and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you
will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and
the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is
an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as
US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated
letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original
national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve
personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact
that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not
adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable
peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby
banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you
German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be
replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with
immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate
effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real
chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those
things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.
Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with
catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you
insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only
proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews
of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also
acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on
earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British
Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required
occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also
be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie Macdowell attempt
English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin
to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American
football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it
soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South
Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. No
more Orange Bowl, Rose Bowl, Cereal Bowl or Super Bowl. From now
on..... get used to the World Cup.
14. Further, you will stop playing
baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series
for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of
you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the
South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e.
tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly
at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits
(cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen.
Only He can.
John Cleese