"The New Math!"

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever  wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?  We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:  H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
           8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

          K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
          11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But 

          A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
          1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

           B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
           2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

           A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
           1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you  there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the  top.

THE SENILITY PRAYER Grant me the senility to forget the people I never
     liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
        and the eyesight to tell the difference.

 Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they
 had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
 had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they
 were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad
 at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't > think of   your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
 Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her . For at least
 three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon
 do you need to know?"

 When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench
 sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I
 have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and
 then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground
 coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me
 homemade so up for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me
 for half the afternoon. I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For
 dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then
 makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. " I said, "Well, why in the world would you
 be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

 A funeral service is being held for a woman who ha s just passed away. At
 the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
 they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint
 moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She
 lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and
 at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
 As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out,

"Watch that wall!"