Nick,

What a wicked man you are. But you're lovely.

Being of distant Irish decent I'm allowed to laugh.

I suppose that you know this one?

Two nuns were sexually assaulted on their way back to their cells after mass.

One turned to the other and said,

"How are we going to tell Mother Superior that we were assaulted twice by this terrible man?"

"Twice?", said the other nun.

"Of course", said the other, "We're going back that way again later". 

Have a funfilled day.

Roger

Hey Nick,

Thought I'd share this one with you. It's probably an old one but who cares. :)

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even
one drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock
the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
Who is it?' calls one of the nuns.

Blind man,' replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

'Nice boobs,' says the man, 'where do you want the blinds?'

Hey Roger, no one can accuse me of being of distant Iris decent and I haven't stopped laughing.

Shalom,

Peter

Hi Nick,

I was trying to be good, but I just couldn't help myself.  Just gotta leave a couple or three.

Given the High Cost of Gas, I really liked this one...

CATHOLIC GASOLINE

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of the them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

I guess we've all had a problem with Squirrels at one time or the other...

SQUIRRELS

There were three country churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Methodist and Catholic. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution: They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

Of course, there has to be a Bubba in here somewhere...

CATHOLIC NEIGHBORS

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating red meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. The priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors.

As the priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat while chanting, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you are a catfish."

Don't Tell Anybody What Happened When They Got the HolyWater & The FireWater Mixed Up 

Have A Happy Weekend,

Phil

LOL!

A fish story (an oldy but a goody)

A new conservation officer at a village in Newfoundland decides to nab an old fisherman notorious for always having fresh fish every day even out of season.

One early morning the conservation officer hides his car and himself up a side road from the dock behind a clump of trees.

Sure enough 15 minutes later he sees the old pickup truck driven by the old fisherman drive up to the dock area.

Wanting to catch the old fisherman red handed he waits patiently for the old fisherman to return to the truck with his fresh "catch".

Some 20 minutes later he sees the old fisherman dragging a big cooler up the hill from the dock towards his truck and jumps into action.  Driving up to the old pickup, lights flashing, he notices the old fisherman, seemingly totally unconcerned, lifting the obviously heavy cooler onto the back of his truck.

The conservation officer confronts the fisherman with the statement, "Sean McDonneghy, you are under arrest for fishing out of season".

Sean, the old fisherman says, "whater ye talcen aboot, I ain't been fishin?".

The officer says, "open that cooler Sean".

Sean opens the cooler and sure enough two large live fish are in the water filled cooler.

"There's no arguing with that evidence is there Sean? I've caught you red handed this time.", says the officer.

Without batting an eye Sean replies, "thems me trained fish that I takes out for their swim every mornin'.  They swim for about 15 minutes and then I calls em back from their swim with me whistler rig."

Flabbergasted and unbelieving the officer nontheless has to prove that Sean is lying so he asks Sean to prove his assertion.

The officer helps Sean carry the heavy fish and water laden cooler back down to the end of the dock where Sean gently lowers each of the fish into the water.

Sean then nonchalantly lights up his pipe and sits quietly on the end of the dock with the officer standing behind him.

After about 20 minutes the officer say, "well Sean, aren't you going to call your fish back?"

Sean, turns to the officer, smiling, with a surprised look on his face, and declares, "what fish?"