Box
Donation
A married Irishman went into the
confessional and said to his
priest, 'I almost had an affair with
another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean,
almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got
undressed and rubbed together, but
then stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together
is the same as putting it in. You're
not to see that woman again. For
your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor
box.'
The Irishman left the confessional,
said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor
box.
He paused for a moment and then
started to leave.
The priest, who was watching,
quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw
that. You didn't put any money in
the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I
rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as
putting it in!'
Lemon
Squeeze
There once was a religious young
woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she
said, 'Forgive me, Father, for
I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins
and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my
boyfriend made mad,
passionate love to me seven
times.'
The priest thought long and hard and
then said, 'Squeeze seven
lemons into a glass and then drink
the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this
cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will
wipe that smile off of your face.'
Catholic
Dog:
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish
countryside with only a pet dog
for company. One day the dog died,
and Muldoon went to the
parish priest and asked, 'Father, my
dog is dead. Could ya' be
saying' a mass for the poor
creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid
not; we cannot have services
for an animal in the church. But
there are some Baptists down
the lane, and there's no tellin'
what they believe. Maybe they'll do
something for the
creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away
Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the
service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet
Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why
didn't ya tell me the dog was
Catholic?
Donation:
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the Tax Dept. Can you help
us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted
Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your
congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the
church?'
'He will.'
Confession:
An elderly man walks into a
confessional. The following
conversation
ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a
wonderful wife of 70 years, children,
grandchildren, and great
grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. We went to
a motel, where I had sex with each
of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your
sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are
you?'
Man: 'I'm
Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all
this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . I'm telling
everybody!'
