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RE: Only In America
9/11/2015 3:28:20 PM
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I enjoyed these so much I am borrowing two for a post and will share your forum while doing so. I laughed myself into a trip to the jon. Only after my second cup of coffee though. Thanks for the grins.
Quote:
Hello Everyone, Just a few funny thoughts about life and Politics in America. Hope you all will enjoy them! Things You'll Find Only In America 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. _______________ What Is Politics A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense," So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo." _______________ Cows & Politics A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute. _______________ Rules In Washington If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for. Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily. There is always one more son of a ***** than you counted on. An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. Chicken little only has to be right once. "NO" is only an interim response. You can't kill a bad idea. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried. The truth is a variable. A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent. You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way. A promise is not a guarantee. If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting. _______________ And finally... The Conservative & The Genie A Conservative came upon a Genie and said, "You're a Genie. Can you grant me three wishes?" The Genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune." The Conservative said, "I'm a Conservative. You know that I won't be happy, but I'm willing to share." The Genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every Liberal in the country two of it. What's your first wish?" "I would like a new sports car." "O.K., you've got it, and every Liberal in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?" "I'd like a million dollars." "O.K., you get a million dollars, every Liberal gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?" "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney." _______________ 
Have A Wonderful Week My Friends, Phil
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