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Dave Cottrell

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I Had Amnesia Once... The Friday File
4/13/2013 3:42:16 AM
Welcome to Friday! (Or is it Saturday? Or maybe Thursday? ) Depends where you live and what you're on! Hey, I heard a story about that once... Here are some idle thoughts from someone with WAY too much free time...

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once--or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Such profundity (is that a word?!) Have a great day!

Dave
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Joyce Parker Hyde

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RE: I Had Amnesia Once... The Friday File
4/16/2013 3:23:06 PM
Thanks Dave- a good laugh is much appreciated whatever day it happens to be:)
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Dave Cottrell

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RE: I Had Amnesia Once... The Friday File
4/19/2013 4:31:59 AM
I'm happy it brought you a smile, Joyce!

Dave
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Dave Cottrell

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RE: I Had Amnesia Once... The Friday File
4/20/2013 6:26:29 AM
It's time for the Saturday edition of the Friday File, once again!

Not everyone is familiar with the work of Steven Wright, a famous, highly-educated nuclear physicist and space alien from Mars, who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates."

Here are some more Steven Wright comments and observations:

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9- All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to avoid work.

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

34- Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

35- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

36- My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

37- I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

38- I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

39- In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

40- I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

41- When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

42- [Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

43- I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

44- I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

45- All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

46- I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

47- A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

48- I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

49- I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

50- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

Whew........! That's a whole mouthful.... This guy's really smart.... Have a great weekend, everybody!

Dave
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Joyce Parker Hyde

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RE: I Had Amnesia Once... The Friday File
4/20/2013 2:42:33 PM
You did it again Dave-every generation should have a Steven Wright!
I loved the hair and you were laughing so hard-didn't even realize that you were thinking at the same time-an amazing feat.
Thanks a bunch:)

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