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Phillip Black

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RE: Go Ahead! Laugh! You Know You Want To!.
7/19/2012 10:19:00 PM

Hello Friends,

Here's a few that I've heard recently that made me smile.

Fishing License

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the game warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of a cave. The game warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the game warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, boy!" the warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the game warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."


Higher Prices

There were two grocers, Smith and Jones, in the same street. Smith had a sign in his window: "Avocados, 50 cents each." A woman went in and asked for some. "Sorry, love," said Smith, "I haven't got any in just now; come back on Wednesday."

So she went on up the street to Jones. But his avocados were $2.00 each! But at least he had them in stock.

"That's a bit steep, isn't it? Smith's are only 50 cents each."

"Yeah," said Jones, "and when I haven't got any in stock, mine also are only 50 cents a piece!"


Flying Home

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii and my red suitcase to London."

The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, but we can't do that."

"Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that you can no longer do that, because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"


And finally, a few....

Geneology Funnies

My family coat of arms ties at the back ... is that normal?

My family tree is a few branches short! All help appreciated.

My ancestors must be in a witness protection program!

Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!

My hobby is genealogy; I raise dust bunnies as pets.

How can one ancestor cause so much TROUBLE?!

I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap ...

I'm not stuck -- I'm ancestrally challenged.

I'm searching for myself; have you seen me?

If only people came with pull-down menus and on-line help

Isn't genealogy fun? The answer to one problem leads to two more!

It's 2012 ... Do you know where your G-G-Grandparents are?

A family tree can wither if nobody tends its roots.

A new cousin a day keeps the boredom away.

After 30 days, unclaimed ancestors will be adopted.

Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts, and a few bad apples.

Ever find an ancestor HANGING from the family tree?

FLOOR: The place for storing your priceless genealogy records.

Gene-Allergy: It's a contagious disease but I love it.

Genealogists are time unravelers.

Genealogy is like playing hide and seek: They hide ... I seek!

Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.

"Crazy" is a relative term in my family.

A pack rat is hard to live with but makes a fine ancestor.

I want to find ALL of them! So far I only have a fewthousand.

I should have asked them BEFORE they died!

I think my ancestors had several "bad heir" days.

I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the JUNE flower.

Only a genealogist regards a step backwards as progress.

Share your knowledge -- it is a way to achieve immortality.

Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act ike fools!

It's an unusual family that hath neither a lady of the evening or a thief.

Many a family tree needs pruning.

Shh! Be very, very quiet ... I'm hunting forebears.

Snobs talk as if they had begotten their own ancestors!

That's strange: half my ancestors are WOMEN!

I'm not sick, I've just got fading genes.

Genealogists live in the past lane.

All right! Everybody out of the gene pool!

Always willing to share my ignorance ...

Documentation ... the hardest part of genealogy.

Genealogy: Chasing your own tale!

Genealogy ... will I ever find time to mow the lawn again?

That's the problem with the gene pool: NO lifeguards.

I researched my family tree ... and apparently I don't exist!


Have A Happy Day & Keep Smiling,


“There may be trouble all around, but I am calling you to a place of peace. Be still and know that I am God. Come to Me, and I will give you wisdom, strength, and grace for everything you face." Psalm 46:10
Phillip Black

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RE: Go Ahead! Laugh! You Know You Want To!.
8/18/2012 6:12:57 PM
Hello My Friends,

Here's a few more funnies that I've happened across this past week...

First of all, here's a few Signs that...

You're Getting Older find yourself standing next to your car with your keys in your hand, but you can't remember whether you're going somewhere or you just got back. walk out to the parking lot of the mall, and not only did you forget where you parked, but you also forgot what car you were driving.

...your daughter takes you out to dinner, and the cashier takes one look and gives you both senior discounts.

...everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work. reach down to pull up your wrinkled stockings and realize you don't have any on.

...when you raise your arm, and you find your "muscle" is now on the bottom side.

...when you have as students in your Sunday School Class are the grandchildren of your former students.

...when you sit down to the breakfast table, and the snap, crackle, pop you hear isn't your breakfast cereal.

...when you bend over to tie your shoes and ask yourself, "Is there anything else I need to do while I'm down here?"


Escaped Lion

A man was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running toward him. He stopped one of the runners and
asked, "What's happening?"

The runner replied breathlessly, "A lion has escaped from the city zoo."

"Oh no! Which way is it heading?"

"Well, you don't think we're chasing it, do you?"


Chemistry Lesson

This was a story told to us by our chemistry professor at school. A student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.

Out of the corner of his eye, the professor observed what the student was about to do and hurried over. After confirming this was what was intended, he asked the student to first stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.

Puzzled, the student followed after him to ask the purpose of this action.

"It will give me time to get away!" said the professor.


Getting In Late

The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easily. At 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I
walked through in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty
solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought!

Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh shoot,' cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then belched."


Football At Notre Dame

Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a
football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. "I lost my
temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."

"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a
mark across the sleeve of his coat.

"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."

"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.

"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the knee."

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when
you did these awful things?"

"Southern Methodist."

"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."


And finally, a sign of the times in which we live...

Stockbroker Or Frog?

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said, "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker
who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"

One of the women quickly took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed,
"Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!"

The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"


Have A Great Week My Friends,


“There may be trouble all around, but I am calling you to a place of peace. Be still and know that I am God. Come to Me, and I will give you wisdom, strength, and grace for everything you face." Psalm 46:10
Phillip Black

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RE: Go Ahead! Laugh! You Know You Want To!.
9/17/2012 8:44:27 PM

Hello Friends,

Just in case anyone is still checking in these days, here's a few cute ones I've heard recently...

Well, Duh!!!

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering of humor editors, and his host naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," he asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question that everyone should answer with no trouble. If there is hesitation, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The editor thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I
must confess I don't know much about history."


Nutritious Eating

According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plate with bright colors: Greens, Reds, and Yellows.

In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.


Lying About My Age

Thomas, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with an absolutely gorgeous and breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old brunette. She is hanging on to his arm and listening intently to his every word.

His usual golf-playing partners and fellow members of the club are baffled and shocked. At their very first chance, they come to him and ask, "Thomas, how did you get the amazing trophy girlfriend?"

Thomas replies, "Girlfriend? She's not my girlfriend -- she's my wife."

Disbelieving him, they ask, "So how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"Easy, I lied about my age," he replies.

"What? Did you tell her you were only 50?"

Thomas smiles and says, "Nope, I told her I was 90."



Barb's granddaughter was in kindergarten. There was a boy in her class that wasn't listening to the teacher.

The teacher said to him, "Since you don't want to listen, you sit at that table by yourself."

After a few minutes, Barb's granddaughter raised her hand and said, "I don't want to listen either. Can I sit with him?"


And finally, my favorite...

Montana State Trooper

In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3:00 one very cold morning, Montana State Trooper Allan Nixon responded to a call about a car that was off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver woke up when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into "drive" and hit the

The car's speedometer was showing 20, 30, 40, and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.

Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver totally freaked out, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This went on for about 30 seconds, and then the trooper yelled, "PULL OVER!"

The man nodded, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine.

Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour.

Who says troopers don't have a sense of humor?


Have A Wonderful Week,


“There may be trouble all around, but I am calling you to a place of peace. Be still and know that I am God. Come to Me, and I will give you wisdom, strength, and grace for everything you face." Psalm 46:10
Myrna Ferguson

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RE: Go Ahead! Laugh! You Know You Want To!.
9/18/2012 1:23:45 AM
Hi Phil,

Hey it is good to see you. Have you been ill?
Here is something to tickle your funny bone. This husband and wife team is so funny.
Patricia Bartch

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RE: Go Ahead! Laugh! You Know You Want To!.
9/18/2012 7:18:51 AM

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