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Phillip Black

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Friday Funnies 01/15/2010
1/15/2010 5:15:47 PM

Hi Folks,

Even though I haven't had a lot of response to my feeble attempts at humor so far, I thought I'd give it one more try.

How about some Good Clean Church Humor, you know, the kind you can even tell your Pastor.

Cheap At Twice
The Price

A man and his young son went to church, and when they came out the father was complaining that the service was too long, the preacher was no good, and the singing was off-key.

Finally the little boy said, "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for a dime."


Good News / Bad News
For A Pastor

Good News: The women's group voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The pastor-parish relations committee accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it that they asked the bishop to send a new minister capable of filling the position.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of the parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your community.
Bad News: He has been appointed as your conference bishop.

Good News: The youth of the church came to your house for a visit.
Bad News: It was in the middle of the night and they were armed with toilet paper and shaving cream.


Where Have You Been?
Eve Asks Adam

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.


Some Pastor's Bloopers

We've all had them, here are a few samples of possibilities.

A lawyer-preacher leading a prayer before the service, made routine opening remarks. As he started on a special plea, he began, "Your Honor," instead of "Dear God."

I was trying to make a point that lack of communication is the major cause of divorce, but somehow things got mixed up and I said ‘marriage’ was the main cause of divorce.

Preaching from:

Matthew 5: "A hill set on a city cannot be hid."

Matthew 12: "as Jonah was in the welly of the bell."

Matthew 2: "they offered unto him gifts, gold, and Frankenstien."

During a Confirmation service, referring to the new converts, the pastor asked the 5 new "convicts" to come to the front of the church. He never knew what he said, but several people had to leave the building because they were laughing so hard.

As I awoke during a sermon the pastor said, "Where the scriptures speak, we speak. Where the scriptures are silent, we sleep."

While studying the intricate dress of the priests in the Old Testament, the preacher came to the part that describes how the priests put bells on the bottom of their robes. He asked, "Why do you suppose the priests had to tinkle." After a second of silence, the class broke up with laughter.


Messages From Actual Signs
Seen On Church Properties

"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons - come hear one!"

A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

"People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."

"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."

"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."

"How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

"Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children."

"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R)

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

"In the dark? Follow the Son."

"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."


And finally, one of my favorites...

God's Road Sign

Have A Great Weekend,


“There may be trouble all around, but I am calling you to a place of peace. Be still and know that I am God. Come to Me, and I will give you wisdom, strength, and grace for everything you face." Psalm 46:10
Roger Macdivitt .

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RE: Friday Funnies 01/15/2010
1/15/2010 7:31:42 PM

Bless you Phil.

You made me laugh anyway.

Several times actually.

jester.gif Jester picture by danddy_album


Phillip Black

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RE: Friday Funnies 01/15/2010
1/15/2010 8:43:24 PM

Hi Roger,

Glad you stopped by and glad I could put a Smile on your face.

Here's a few more you might like...

Ministerial Problem
With Dentures

It seems there was this minister who just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.

The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.

The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.

The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!


Six Year Old Girl And
Evolution Teacher

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in the classroom.

The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.

The teacher asked a little boy:

Teacher: Tommy do you see the tree out side?

Tommy: Yes.

Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass out side?

Tommy: Yes.

Teacher: Go out side and look up and see if you can see the sky.

Tommy: OK. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

Teacher: Did you see God?

Tommy: No.

Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there.

The little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. Teacher agreed and she asked the boy:

Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

Tommy: Yes.

Little girl: Tommy do you see the grass outside?

Tommy: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time)

Little girl: Did you see the sky?

Tommy: Yessssss

Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

Tommy: Yes

Little Girl: Do you see her brain?

Tommy: No

Little Girl: Does that mean she doesn't have one?


Energetic Minister
Delivers Sermon

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, (with trailing cord) and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"


Cowboy Joe's First Visit
To Big City Church

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.

"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.

"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.

"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.

"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.

"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.

"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.

"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.

"Pew," Charlie retorted.

"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."



Mortal: What is a million years like to you?

God: Like one second.

Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?

God: Like one penny.

Mortal: Can I have a penny?

God: Just a second.


Have A Bright & Beautiful Weekend,


“There may be trouble all around, but I am calling you to a place of peace. Be still and know that I am God. Come to Me, and I will give you wisdom, strength, and grace for everything you face." Psalm 46:10
Karen Gigikos

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RE: Friday Funnies 01/15/2010
5/18/2010 6:07:27 PM
Hi Phil and Roger

Subject: Never Try to Outsmart a Woman

Outsmart a woman...... Are you kidding?

> A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend" .

And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up...'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas..'

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.

He said but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?
You'll love the answer.

The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box".
Never, Never, Never try to outsmart a woman!!!
karen gigikos / black belt grannyHobbies
Phillip Black

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RE: Friday Funnies 01/15/2010
5/20/2010 4:26:35 PM

Hi Karen,

Thanks for stopping by and thanks for the Cute Story, Laughter always brighens up every day.

Speaking of Marriage...

One Line Sums It Up...

  • Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
    You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

  • After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
    She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

  • Man is incomplete until he is married.
    Then he is finished.

  • Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

  • You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

  • I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number.

  • The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature.
    The new theory is that men don't mature.
    So you might as well marry a younger one.

  • The difference between marriage and death?
    Dead people are free.

  • The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book

  • Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

  • When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.
    But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

  • There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her.
    They got married, and now he is going through hell.

  • There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

  • Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
    * In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
    * In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
    * In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

  • It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

  • A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

  • Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
    Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

  • Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
    Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

  • A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

  • Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

  • Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

  • Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

  • Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
    ** The Engagement Ring
    ** The Wedding Ring
    ** The Suffe-Ring
    ** The Endu-Ring

  • First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
    Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Have A Terrific Week,


“There may be trouble all around, but I am calling you to a place of peace. Be still and know that I am God. Come to Me, and I will give you wisdom, strength, and grace for everything you face." Psalm 46:10

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