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Today's HA . . HAs
1/26/2008 10:04:39 PM
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Virus Warning
If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it
immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus
yet.
It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble
any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate
your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and
milk curdles . It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit
cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your
VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to
play.
It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix
antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave
its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.
It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere
with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in
traffic.
Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will
give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo
with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current
boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to
your Visa card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead,
such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to
sully those things we hold most dear.
Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet
seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full
bathtub. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your
mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is
insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is
also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
Mean Old Woman
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated
each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could
be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of
the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took
place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he
died of a heart attack when he was 68.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went
straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid
that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and
come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him
buried upside down."
SherlockSherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good
meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to
sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend
awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there
are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I
deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have
a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot.
Someone has stolen our tent."
CD Player
While shopping for my first CD player, I was able to decipher most of
the technicalese on the promotional signs. One designation had me
puzzled, though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, "What does
'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?"
"That means", he said, "that this machine will read the digital
information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal
- that is, into music." "In other words this CD player plays CDs."
"Exactly."
Bad AccidentA woman and a man are involved in a car accident.
It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a
man,that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There
nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt.
"This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and
live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign
from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break! Sure
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
The she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back
to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and
hands it back to the man.
The man asks "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Regular or Premium
When the family car developed a slight knock, the wife asked her
husband if he had bought regular or premium gas, but he couldn't
remember.
"You probably got the cheaper gas," she said. "That could account for
the engine running so rough."
"No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" he replied indignantly.
"Well, how much did it cost?" asked the wife.
"It cost the same as always," said the husband. "I bought the usual
ten dollars worth."
~~~~~
That all Folks!
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