New Flight Attendent
An airline captain was breaking in a new flight attendant. The route
they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival,
the captian showed the flight attendant the best places for airline
personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's
route, he noticed the new flight attendant was missing. He knew which
room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what
happened.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her
room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The flight attendant replied, "There are only three doors in here."
She sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a
sign on it and says "Do Not Disturb!'"
Ice Fishin' Lesson
An old man walked out onto a frozen lake on a bitter cold winter day.
He drilled a hole in the ice, sat on his bucket, put his fishing line
in the water and eagerly waited for a fish to bite.
He was there for almost five hours without even a nibble when a young
boy walked out, drilled a hole in the ice and sat on his bucket not
far from the old man. It only took about one minute and BAM! A huge
walleye bit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn't believe it and figured it was just luck. Yet, the
boy put his fish line in again and within just two minutes he pulled
in another huge walleye!
This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't stand it any
more. He hadn't caught a fish all day. He went to the boy and said,
"Boy, I've been here nearly all day without even a nibble. You have
been here only a few minutes and have caught TEN huge fish! How do you
do it?"
The boy said, "Oo af o rep ra rums rm."
"What," asked the old man?
Again the boy said, "Oo af o rep ra rums rm.”
Freezing and impatient the old man yelled "Look, I can't understand a
word you are saying."
So, the boy took off his gloves, spit a clump of stuff into his hands
and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!!"
The Smartest
Three men were walking through a park when they suddenly came upon a
river. "I wonder how we are going to cross this river?" said one man.
Then a genie appeared before them and said,"I will grant you each one
wish so you can cross the river."
The first man said,"I want some strong muscles!" Poof! he had strong
muscles! He began to swim across the river but nearly drowned half
way.
The second man, seeing this mistake wished for strong muscles AND
wood. He built himself a raft. He too attempted to cross the river but
half way through, his raft sank and he had to swim the rest of the
way.
The third man, seeing these two mistakes thought for a while.
"Hmmm...Aha! I wish to be a woman!" Poof! He had turned into a woman!
The woman pulled out a map, located the nearest bridge on it, and
hiked about 5 feet to it and crossed it.
Learning to speak english
There was a man visiting from another country who couldn't speak english and he wanted to learn how.
So he went to an oprera and heard the singer go
"Meeeeeeeeeeemeeeeeemeeeeeeee."
Next he went to a pottery store and heard a salesman going "Forks and
knives, forks and knives."
Next, in the street he heard a kid go "He stole my lollipop!"
He walked around all day learning these phrases. While he was
practicing he accidently walked on a murder scene and practically
tripped over the dead guy in the street. Before he knows it, he's
talking to a policeman who asks "Who killed this man?"
"Meeeeemeeeeemeeeeee"
"Well, how did you kill him?"
"Forks and knives, forks and Knives"
"But why did you kill him?"
"He stole my lollipop!"
"Okay, you're coming with me mister!"
Using the FBI
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his
firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call sir," replied the dispatcher.
The next day, FBI agents sneak up on the neighbor's house. They search
the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They yell at the neighbor and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbor's house.
"Hey, Bill, did the FBI come?"
"Sure Did!"
"Did they chop your firewood?!"
"Yep!"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed!!"
School Visit
After delivering a speech at an elementary school, the president lets
the kids ask a few questions. One little boy, Joe raises his hand and
asks, “How come you invaded Iraq without the support of the United
Nations?”
Just as the president begins to answer, the recess bell rings and he
says they’ll continue afterward. 25 minutes later the kids come back
to class.
“Where were we?” says the president. “Oh, yes... do you kids
have any questions?”
Another boy raises his hand and says, “I have three questions:
First, why did you invade Iraq without support from the U.N.? Second,
why did the recess bell go off 30 minutes early? And third, where is
my buddy Joe?”
~~~~~
Thats all Folks!