YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID
EIGHTH PLACE:
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
retrieve his car keys.
SEVENTH PLACE
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when
he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
SIXTH PLACE
Buxton , NC : A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he
had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said
Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind,
and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon
when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the
beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw
their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge , VA , but could not reach
him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to
free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at
a hospital.
FIFTH PLACE
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc , as he fell
face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.
Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth
(to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit
the floor.
FOURTH PLACE
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville , Del , as
he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded
with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. As Ron White
often says: "You can't fix stupid." These people prove it is a terminal
condition. As always, competition this year has been keen.
THIRD PLACE THIS ONE SHOULD HAVE BEEN FIRST PLACE
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington
, DC appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a
previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:
1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms; A gun shop specializing in handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee
before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a
hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The
officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a
9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a 50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several
customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also drew and
fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime
scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop.
The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics
identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the
exchange of fire.
HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and
his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew
up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the
dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen,
but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP:
TACOMA , WA . Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends
when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the
Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew
more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge
at 4:30 AM Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered
that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued
drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable
lay near by. One end of the cable was cured around Bingham's leg and
the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before
the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously
survived his fall into the icy salt water and was rescued by two nearby
fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out
for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it."
Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER...
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany )
fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and
more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged- up
pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200
pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give
the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded
on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation
knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock
and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on
top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern.
With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least
an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he
suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that
proves... "S __ t happens."
YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID...
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