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George Carlin's New Rules For 2008
New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
>
New Rule : Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain?? Trout?
> New Rule :
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your
eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
>
New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
flavored water.
> New Rule : Stop screwing with old
people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time
grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
>
New Rule : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Lo w, and one
NutraSweet,' ooh, you're a huge asshole.
> New Rule :
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount,
deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Almond Joy.
> New Rule : Just because your tattoo has
Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above
the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The
last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
>
New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. O pe n of Competitive
Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too
damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're
already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
> New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
>
New Rule : No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
>
New Rule(and this one is long overdue): No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be
there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web
cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
> New Rule :
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. '27
Months' 'He's two,' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't
really care in the first place.
> New Rule : If you
ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than
minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying,
'Do you want fries with that?'
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." Oscar Wilde
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