|
1. The patient refused an autopsy.
That was Rodney Dangerfield, "No respect!"
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Looks like they confused this one with the first one.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
What a wise guy hunh?
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states
She was very hot in bed last night.
How romantic!!!
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
Maybe this is one they should do a pre-autopsy on!
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day
It disappeared.
It was the aliens! They are abducting for body parts now you know. Honest, I saw it on TV last month.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
Appears to be depressed.
Is it possible her diaper hasn't been changed for some time?
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Dr. Aclueistic, surgery may be required in this case.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
Ah, all wives say that after their husband's first heart attack.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert
But forgetful.
What was that? Oh yeah, the trash!
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
I didn't know waffles could be that bad, but then again... I don't eat at the hospital anymore.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
Mine would be too if I stood on my head that long. Oh she wasn't standing on her head? That's embarrassing.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home
These young Doctors are spoiled! But, was she still depressed?
14. The skin was moist and dry.
How did these autopsy reports get mixed up with care patients?
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Well, just take two aspirens and get drunk.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Now Doctor, give me that cup of double extra dry capacino.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
Interesting way to check the thyroid. Hmmm...
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
She got a divorce.
That's what she gets for marrying a real keeper.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
Therapy.
Start the car and rev it a couple of times. He'll be on the bench in no time at all. Works everytime.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
What is a doctor suppose to say? One's bigger than the other and is kind of droopy? <slap>
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
Calling all Entrepreneurs!!!!
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
Would that be a false positive or a positive falsie?
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
Mummy autopsy report.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor
Dr. Wild will be with you in a moment. Please get undressed and put this robe on.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
Whew! Now I know mine ARE normal.
|