No Kathy, domestic abuse does not make sense, as just about anything else now a days!!! but it is there, and will probably get worse. Can we change that. Yes we can, and it all starts with us !!!!
I would like to share my story here, and if it helps anyone cope and think better, I will be blessed !!
Hi Kathy,
It is with sadness I have been reading your daughters writings. I have to
tell you that I and my 2 sons too, were at the receiving end of domestic
violence, for 12 whole years, I will not go into the gory details, as I believe
dwelling on the negative only lets it have control over you.
First and foremost, I will say that it was my Faith that helped me cope
with the dreadful situations...I would constantly go to the Bible for a leading
and with a prayer for patience.
I feel giving my testimony, as I would like to call it will help you
and others in similar circumstances to move on with their lives. This is how I overcame.
I dealt with physical violence, due to alchahol abuse,
mental abuse due to the fact that he couldn't understand why I was I, and always
looked for excuses to put me down. But because I understood where he was coming
from, I never let that dim my spirit.
I was fortunate to have a psychiatric friend to whom I would go and consult,
and learn about the functions of the mind, and why people behaved this way. I
gained much insight into the situation, and ended up feeling sorry for him, more
than hating him. He was the victim of his mind.
I was able to convince my children that their father didn't hate them,
but had a weakness that he couldn't control. I stayed in the marriage for 12 yrs
wanting for my boys to know that I had done all I could to make it work, and that
it was of no avail, Finally I did get a divorce, and they realized how happy and
peaceful life could be. The difference was felt immediately.
Their father moved out of town. but they would visit him and he them.
It blessed me to see that because of how I was able to convince them that their
father didn't hate them that the 'I am a victim' syndrome never ever set in for
them neither for me. I would say that I was able to put my faith to the test,
and THE GOOD LORD CAME THRU FOR ME ! I never ever let myself influence
their feelings they were supposed to feel for their father, or for that matter
take sides. There were no sides to take. We were their parents period.. I learnt
to look at the 'not so perfect' people thru' the CROSS. That Jesus died
for them too, and he asked us not to judge them but to pray for them, and this
we did [my boys n I ]. I do not for one moment condone what the abuser does, but
there is a more positive ways we can focus on, and handle this, especially
when you have children involved. I think the most powerful example that worked
wonders, was my effort to be strong in front of them, displaying more than ever,
my faith in God more than in man. I believe God honored me for that, and
took care of my sons in the most awesome way. Today when I see my sons interact
with their father my heart sings. They had all the reason to hate him, and what
he did to them, but fortunately I was able not to let them look that way, and
since time is a great healer, the years that followed there were sweet memories
that were made when they spent time together They respect their father,
and themselves more so, and naturally all around them too.
Now reverse the situation, suppose I was the bitter ranting and raving
mother, crying always about the injustices done to me. Displaying hatred,
anger and malice and seeking revenge,. never ever letting go of a bad situation,
forcing them to take sides and influencing their innocent minds to think in a
particular way, children always being exposed to this sort of atmosphere,
obviously pick up the same attitude of victimization when in fact we have the
power to change that in ourselves and them, and we need to help them to cope with the feelings of hurt emotions. My story just proved that thats what I did!! So now
which do you think is a better way?
Now about the abuser, well I would say leave them alone. God and time will
deal with them. You cannot change anyone, the only person you can change is YOU
!! I would say pray for them, that's what we are called to do.
Since you are a Christian Kathy, I would say there is much healing in the
WORD. Stay close to it and you wont regret it.' Vengeance is mine says the
Lord', so what have we to worry those who trust in him. If you believe that
then, leave it to HIM to deal with the abuser. Your life and time is too
precious to waste. Focus on the good things life has blessed you with. Build on
truth, Stay genuine at all times, and that will bring much blessings, Peace and
healing to you and your girls. Dwelling on the past, does not achieve any good
thing, on the contrary it hinders you from moving forward and receiving
the blessings God want to bless you with.
It is my earnest and heartfelt plea that you and your girls do just that.
Take a step of faith and draw closer to HIM and he will draw closer to you,
that's his promise, and where HE is there is all power, Love, forgiveness and a
sense of completeness that can be only found in HIM. And no one can take that
away from you !!!
Your friend and well-wisher
Pauline Raina