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Love the jokes so far guys, thanks for joining in:
OK here we go, this is the joke that is going to get me in trouble with you guys tee hee... Please note two things.
1) YOU HAVE TO read this and imagine John Cleese is making this announcement - he does do our BESTEST posh accent LOL and..
2) I have my passport ready, foreign money sorted and place to hide and I may not come out to play again for a while, or until I know the coast is clear LOL.
3) I know I said two things, so I am British, get used to it LOL this is long, sorry, but it's funny - I may need to post it in two separate posts.
oh yeah 4) LOL Your mission should you choose to accept it, is - to find some jokes to retaliate with, go on, "Dig a Brit Day" you know you will enjoy it LOL (this message will not self distruct any time soon).
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BRITAIN IS REPOSSESSING THE U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese to the
citizens of the United States of America :
In light of your failure to
elect a competent President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective
immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories
(excepting Kansas , which she does
not fancy).
Your new prime
minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
without the need
for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A
questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you
noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should
look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary)
1. Then look up
aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
half the letters and the suffix
-ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to
raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted
to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'.
You will relearn your
original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You
will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent.
6. Guns should only be
handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without
suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
grown up enough to
handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to
own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will
be required
if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars
are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show
you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections
will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left
with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate
effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.
9.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling
gasoline) -- roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to
make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and
those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps.
Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup
but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling
beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter
will be referred to as Beer,
and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as
Lager. American brands will be referred to
as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so
that all can be sold without risk of further
confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
to play English
characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having
one's ears removed
with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing
American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it
soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby
(which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full Kevlar body armour
like a bunch of nancies).
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball.
It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game
which is not played outside of
America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware
that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent ( i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition
of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4
pm with proper cups, never mugs,
with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; strawberries in season.
John Cleese
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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