Lucy;
Like you, I am a newcomer to AdLandPro. I originally posted this on the "Friends, Not Friends" forum and believe that it is equally appropriate here. I am sorry that the madness is continuing. And I know that as human beings, we cling to looking at the 'other person/people' as the perpetrators of our madness when history shows us that we are the only constant in all our disfunctional relationships.
I am a 'newbie' just getting to know the community. And in doing so, I was perusing the forums and came across the "Joining a cult" topic. I read all the posts and had to reply. (I know it is late and probably will not be read..... but anyway).
You can not change anyone. You can only change how you respond to them. Notice I did not use the word 'react'. YOU control your responses, the other person controls your reactions. In any power game, the antagonist is trying to control the situation by taking grabbing all the power unto his/herself. By CHOOSING to respond, you deny them the game. You state unequivically that you are an adult and you are staying in an adult role.
Your RESPONSE should yield the results YOU want based on NORMAL human interactions. For instance, if someone states that you are rude and you sincerely apologize, ONCE IS ENOUGH. You are not responsible if, in their ignorance, they expect you to eat crow for the next year, or their ego is so frail that a heart-felt apology is not sufficient.
You can not take on another persons ills and make them your own. It is up to that person to realize that they need help, then they must want it, then seek it. None to that is your concern.
You have to be concerned with your own state of mind and emotional health and well-being. No one has been put on this earth to be the whipping-post for another. So do not allow yourself to be put in that position by anyone for any reason. Be healthy enough for yourself and for those who love you to step off and get away from these destroyers of the soul. This is so important because I have seen so many people begin to doubt themselves because of their interaction with 'interrogators' and 'intimidators'. And do not believe that physical damage is the worst they can do to you! Mental/Emotional damage is far harder to heal because the wounds do not show and are insidious by nature.
I hope this helps someone (plus I must close before this becomes book length)
Keep the faith in the God of your understanding!
Layla z.