Do you have those days when you just can't face the world and want to return to bed? Mine are much fewer now than they were a few years ago but I am still plagued with them. I had one this week and did return to bed. Only through prayer and strength from God do I rise from those times.
This will be a longer post than you probably want to read but I would like to cover the scope of it. I am the youngest in a family of 7 children. One sister died before I was born. All my siblings were close in age and began getting sick within 2 years. My oldest brother developed leukemia, another one was diagnosed with lung cancer, another had heart problems. I moved back there to help with their hardships but lost my elder brother before I got there. I was caregiver to my brother who had lung cancer until he died, while at the same time helping my other brother & wife (she did not drive) get through his sickness and final heart operation. My sister's husband had been in remission from renal cancer and it returned during these times. My brother with lung cancer died, my other brother died from heart operation complications, my brother-in-law died and I lost my only means of support - my job at the hospital. I moved back with my husband and left my sister in bad shape (I could no longer cope). I moved in August, she lived until Feb. the next year. Of all losses hers was the worst for me. I had the support of my children and my husband but all of it was just too much. There are wounds to my soul that will never heal. God is ever with me and I try to help others as they deal with similar things. No matter how strong I consider myself, I do seem to take on other peoples' problems and make myself sick again.
I want to share this poem with you that I wrote many years ago:
LET ME LIVE!
If I must walk each day
in this dark tunnel of life,
pushing ahead when I chance to see
a dot of light, bury me where deep
waters fall in a cold mist over the
side of a mountain.
If I must remain in this darkness when
for days there is no speck of light
and my crying echoes deafeningly
in my own ears, then do bury me
where deep waters fall over the
mountainside.
If I must relentlessly fight demons
I cannot see
and my beautiful words lie
frozen on the paper,
cast aside thoughtlessly.
Oh, bury me where deep waters fall
in a cold, misty spray over the mountain
sprinkled with laurel.
A place where shadows gather
and the wind sweeps
away the memories.
Or, let me live. Let me live
among the living,
where love is for the giving.
Where I can see the flowers in bloom,
and feel the warm sunshine on my skin,
and dance in the gentle breeze.
To laugh and love as carefree
as a little child.
Oh, let me live! Fill my tunnel
with light and I shall plant beauty
so others coming afterwards may
follow the sweetness of the path
when the light shall vanish
even for one day.
Let me live! Live in the sunshine
long enough to blossom.
Allow the bees to drink my nectar
and ripen my seed. Then, as I wither
and die to be buried where
the deep waters fall,
I shall have lived life
to the greatest heights,
I shall have climbed each mountain
and conquered all!
Sara Gardner Blow
I pray you never have these dark days but if you do, I hope just reading this will help.
Thank You, Dear God for your blessings,
Sara