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Bank Name
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'
The Limo
The Pope was getting into his limo one night when he turned to the limo driver and said, "Before I die, I would love to drive this beautiful limo just once."
"Well, here," the limo driver says, "Take the wheel, Your Holiness!"
Further down the road, the limo is stopped by a policeman who looks in the window, goes back to his squad car, calls dispatch and says, "I just pulled over someone real important and I don't know what to do."
"Well, who is it?" his dispatcher says, "The mayor? The governor? The president?"
"I don't know," the officer responds, "but the Pope's his chauffer!"
Water Gun
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.
I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."
Never Talk to the Parrot
Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.
"By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"
Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.
As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"
To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!"
Patient Will Live
On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exacty." The doctor then began listing orders:
"You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.
"Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every thirty minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.
"Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well."
The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient. The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live." Then quickly reveiwing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport."
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