We all know what it's like to want to be in control. In some ways, exerting control is an important survival skill. For example, we have every right to be in control of our own bodies and our own lives. Taking control in these cases is empowering and necessary. Controlling behavior in the negative sense comes from a tendency to reach beyond our own boundaries and into the lives of others. Many people do this with the rationalization that they are helping. This can happen with parents who are still trying to force their grown children into behaving in ways that they find acceptable. It can also happen when people try to control their partners' behavior. If you have control issues, you will see that in one or more areas of your life, you feel the need to interfere with what is happening rather than just allowing events to unfold.

Almost everyone has at least one situation or relationship in which they try to exert control. This often happens because someone's behavior makes us uncomfortable. We may feel it makes us look bad, or it embarrasses us. For example, if your best friend tends to drink too much, you might spend an entire party just trying to prevent her from doing so. This is different from directly confronting her about the problem and allowing her to decide what she should do. Controlling behavior generally goes hand in hand with an unwillingness to be direct about what you want, as well as an inability to let go and let people live their own lives. If you are the one that is controlling, it's probably because you literally feel as if you are out of control and it scares you. Try to pick one thing you could just let unfold without any control on your part. Examine how it made you feel both before and after, and examine why you wanted to control the situation.

It is hard sometimes to allow others to be who they are, especially if we feel we know what's best for them and we see them making choices we wouldn't make. However, if we are to be respectful and truly loving, we have to let people go, trusting that they will find their own way in their own time and understanding that it is their life to live. Just reminding yourself that the only life you have to live is your own is the first step to letting go.

Marilyn L. Ali

Hi Marilyn,

Great posting.

We in NLP have an understanding that ''The map is not the territory''.

If we were to have a beautiful place, somewhere else in the world, described to us by phone, in minute detail, we would build a picture. The picture you and I would build would include all the mountains and waterfalls, the trees, the flowers, the kind people and their houses, how they lived and worked and lots lots more.

THEN

Suddenly you and I are transported to this place and GUESS WHAT? Although all of the things would fit the real place and the imagined place IT WOULDN'T  BE THE SAME.

Your place would be different to mine and both of us would experience surprises in the real thing.

This is like our minds and our personalities. Thank goodness for that or, books and films would all be so familiar that they wouldn'be worth producing. Because of this we should understand that to change peoples' experience we need to be inside of their head, this we can't do.

What we can do is to spend time understanding the differences, maybe they haven't all the facts you have, maybe their facts came from different sources, maybe their intelligence is different.

 All of these thing contribute to who we are and who we are not.

Don't try to change partners, you won't. Accept others as they are and then discuss the things that annoy or embarrass you. Maybe, with a little co-operation you can both change a little.

''I'm not changing he can'' or ''Why should I'' achieves NOTHING. Work together with others to UNDERSTAND then the map starts to match the territory a lot more.

I pray for all those embroiled in conflict around the world that they are given the understanding to accept and deal with differenceswhich should be celebrated and not fought over.

Roger

Hi Marilyn,

    When I was younger people said I was a terrible control freak. I had to have everything just so and micro-managed everything and everybody. I am happy to inform everyone that I am getting better.LOL

  Thanks for the great article, Marilyn.

Your Good Friend

Deborah

Hello Marilyn,

Thanks for the invitation to this forum.

It's really easy to be in that possition and not realize how controling you are, especially when it is your child. I will work on this.

Thanks again,

Mary

Marilyn, As a parent I have had to look at my children in a new way. 1st-- Do I like really being their dad?

Do I love my children just to love them with no strings attached?

Showing our children the adventure in life is a whole lot more fun than the preaching. It doesn't do anything but drive people away.

A touch, a kind word  goes a long way on the road to adulthood. Lets let people grow at their own pace. We all make it to the end----whether fast or slow.

Sometimes it's the slow where we find those special treasures.