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THE EIGHT INVISIBLE STAINS OF THE SOUL - PART I
by Luella May ©2006
I would like to address the child that is within each of us. That part of our psyche that has been injured, the part which is responsible for the way we react in any given situation. I am not referring necessarily to favorable responses, but negative ones. I would like to address those cruel physical and psychological blows that we received as children, the ones that we carry with us even now. No matter how old we are, we have that hurting child. I am here to help you love and nurture that child. That child that is hurting within you doesn't have to hurt forever. It can feel the love and acceptance it so very desperately needs.
Many of us have automatic responses to various issues that are quite destructive. They are destructive to others and also destructive to ourselves. Although many times, we are taught to modify our behavior and control these responses, we still have those feelings. We carry within us anger and hurt, many times not even aware of it. You see, we carry within us invisible stains from when the child within us was severely hurt and neglected. We are not even aware that they are there, as we have become used to them. They are invisible. Therefore, we have certain automatic reactions to various stimuli that we encounter during our life's path. These invisible stains color our lives, our decisions, and our reactions. However, all is not lost. We can realize what stains we have and we can work on them. We don't necessarily have to live our lives having these stains leave destructive spots in our lives. They will always be there, but we can be aware of them and pour our healing bleach on them. Some we can totally obliterate, some we can only lighten. Some have affected us so, that they are always there and will never go away. However, just knowing why we are reacting in a certain way, we can learn and modify our reactions, thereby creating a better life.
You see, we are not children anymore. We are adults and we really do have control of our lives. Let the adult in you take responsibility for the child in you and have that adult care for that child.
Let me skim over these Invisible Stains that we carry. Let us gain a little insight as to why we react the way we do. Why we lash out, why we cry, why we are so insecure. The reasons are so subtle that one could go a lifetime and not realize that it is their inner child that is so very wounded. It is the inner child that has never been truly loved and accepted.
I will list the eight most important factors for our feelings of worthlessness. These are the primary eight Invisible Stains.
1. You are an Illegitimate Child: This one has lost its punch in today's society, in America anyway, but it is still there. Well for us older folks though, back when we were children those born of unmarried parents were looked down upon and even ostracized. This is a most painful invisible stain for someone to have to live with. And there are people out there now walking around with this stain. Oh, you may have dealt with it now, you have walked life's pathway and things seem so easier now. However, this may very well be a stain that you carry about with you. Notice your reactions to circumstances. How do you feel about yourself? How is your self esteem?
One carrying this most painful stain needs to realize that regardless of society's views they are a person no less valuable than anyone else. Society places labels on us. You are either worthy or worthless. NOBODY IS WORTHLESS. We are all in this world together to learn, grow, and enrich ourselves. Although our world has changed where this is not such a stigma anymore, you will be surprised at how many people there are that still make you feel as though you are not worthy. Hold your head high and live your life. Know who you are and what you are and learn how to blot this stain out. It cannot be done overnight, but it can be learned and practiced. Eventually, you will have freed yourself from one of the chains that bind you. Who cares what others think? Not only on this subject, but on any other subject.
2. Dad and Mom Do Not Love me: This could also be that Dad and Mom do not know how to show love. The same thing. A child needs most of all love, hugs, positive reinforcement from the minute they are born. They need to be guided carefully and lovingly as they grow. We moms and dads know that it is impossible for us to be loving every waking minute, as we are human and we do have our own invisible stains to deal with, but we must work on our own stains doing the best we can, as we do our best to make sure our child does not acquire this stain in their own lives. A child living without a parent's love is alone and isolated. In essence, the child is being told, You are not worthy of my love. The child develops a sense of worthlessness. This is where many of our children get into trouble with drug addiction, bad relationships, many joining religious cults, because they need to be loved. Drugs will make you feel better, good about yourself. They may even empower you for a time. Bad relationships, gangs, religious cults, these all give the appearance of acceptance and love. This is why we lose so many of our children to these destructive paths. You may have gone down one of these paths yourself. We are born with a need to be loved and accepted. If we do not receive this from someone, somewhere, we feel unworthy and unloved. Learning to love and appreciate yourself is a learning process, but once you start learning and applying it, you see how you will grow upwards and outwards. If this is you, it is possible for you to live a happy loving and balanced life. It does take time.
3. Friends Make Fun of Me: For a child to be made fun of, singled out, and thereby ostracized can damage them for life. This is another most important invisible stain. Remember, our primary need is to feel loved and accepted. Every single person on the planet needs this and struggles with this, not just you. Once we realize this, we have a chunk of this stain bleached. As a mother, I struggled and hurt for my daughter. One of the most terrible things in life is watching your child suffer. My daughter, for some reason or another was the one child that everyone picked on. She hated school. She cried every day. Sometimes the other children were very cruel to her and would hit her. During her junior high school days I was at the principal's office almost every day trying to solve this problem. Unfortunately, this is not a problem a parent can solve for a child. This is one of the child's own learning lessons. You may guide them, give them support, all your love and hold them as they cry with their little hearts broken. Other than that, there is really little you can do. In today's world, the bullying is quite worse and if this would have happened in today's day and age, I believe I would have home schooled her as I would have been afraid for her safety. How did this affect my daughter in her adult life? Well, she is a very strong individual and nobody will hurt her or her children. She has a temper that you cannot imagine. Actually, it can be abusive at many times. And she is an alcoholic. Her dad may have also helped her become this way, as he was also an alcoholic and verbally abusive. So she had two strikes against her. Drinking and abuse is a learned behavior and, at the same time, a way to stop the pain and gain the feeling of strength and power. With alcoholism this sense of wellbeing is very temporary and will plummet you to deeper depths of despair.
4. I Am Not Good Enough: This is a root belief that a person holds because of many experiences in life. The above examples can most certainly give you this belief, along with many others. Yes, with hard work and loving yourself, this can be overcome.
5. I Grew Up Poor and Never Had Anything: This can be very difficult on a child that sees the other kids get everything they want. Children are cruel. Many times this can be thrown in their faces. They may be made fun of, they may not feel loved and accepted. You will notice that all of these stains deal with the basic root of love and acceptance, something every human being needs for their healthy emotional wellbeing.
6. I Was Abused: Here is a big stain. If you abuse your child, physically, verbally, or both, that child will grow up marred. The child will either be very, very frightened, or very, very angry. Sometimes a combination of both. Again, the love and acceptance is missing. The feeling of being unworthy will take over. This will be acted upon in life in a variety of ways. I was verbally and physically abused. My reaction was fear. Fear of everything. Even while I was a parent, I carried this invisible stain, and no matter how you try to love and nurture your child, you cannot be effective if you, yourself, live in fear. I acquired a panic disorder and became agoraphobic. I have two articles that I would love for you to read that deal with my abusive childhood. They are at thecorner4women.com. Please go to Luella's Corner and read, My Lost Years and Goodbye Forever. This has been my struggle. I am now 55 years old. Although, a very young 55 I will say. In my heart I am a child and will never grow up, not ever. I love life and will never stop. And when my time for my appointed transition arrives, I pray that I may always love life and never lose the essence of who I am now. I would truly hate to start over. Yes, heaven, the after life. That is a totally different subject that I shall address at a different time.
7. I Am Ugly and Fat: No matter what you look like you are a most worthy and wonderful person. You can look at every individual on this planet and see a beauty about them. Yes, a beauty that makes them most attractive. We all have this beauty. If we do not know what it is, we must find it. Just by being who we are, that is our beauty. Remember folks, our outward beauty means nothing. It is who we are inside. One day we all will age and lose that beauty. If that is what you rely on, you are in for a heap of issues. Remember the song, Beauty is only skin deep, yeah, yeah, yeah. How true. Love yourself for who you are. Even with all my faults, I love myself and accept myself, and I love you and accept you. If this was a stain acquired in childhood, yes, it is something that must be worked on. But you can bleach it out.
8. I have failed: We all have failed. I fail numerous times a day at so many things. And then in life, I have failed miserably. You simply, pick yourself up, wipe yourself off and start again. You are not the only one that fails. We all fail. You are not the only one that feels alone and unloved. We all do. It is our human nature.
All these stains can be either bleached out our lightened considerably. As you will read in my Goodbye Forever Article, at Luella's Corner, I still have a very light spot I carry about with me but I am able to function and I am able to love and now I know I am loved. I have someone that loves me so very much and I also love him with the same depth. My Bus Kids love me and I love them. My teens love me and I love them. Elyse and Cassie, I love them dearly. Mostly Elyse, she is my special angel. And one day I will stand proud as she is a success in life and I will cry tears of joy.
These invisible stains merely require certain stain treatments to be washed out of your life. This is not easy to do. It is very hard work, sometimes taking many years. But don't give up. Keep going forward. Many give up. Don't YOU give up. Life is too beautiful and exciting.
One thing that I have missed. You are in control of your life now. Others are not. You are not a child and nobody has any power over you. Find positive people to hang around. They will influence you and their ways will become your ways. To be emotionally healthy you need to take care of yourself and to do what is necessary. Even if it requires taking medication and seeing someone to talk to. Whatever it takes. Health is the physical and emotional together.
©Luella May 2006
Luella May is currently the co-founder and editor of "The Corner 4Women.com" http://www.thecorner4women.com/ and writes exclusively for her blog http://www.thecorner4women.blogspot.com/ and Luella's Corner http://www.oakwoodgrafix.co.uk/blog/LuellasCorner/ This article may be reproduced provided it is unedited in any way with all links intact, and the copyright is retained by its original author above.
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