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Miscellaneous Terms
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
Safe to Swim Here?
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
Method Actor
A man went into the pet shop " I am playing Long John Silver in the local amateur dramatic societies version of Treasure Island and need a parrot to sit on my shoulder" he said.
"I don't have any parrots at the moment , but you wouldn't want a real parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places, poop on your shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed parrot . Just as realistic and easily controlled."
"Are you sure a stuffed parrot would be okay? " asked the customer " I do want this performance to be as realistic as possible ."
"I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine " said the pet shop owner " I have one at home . I'll bring it in and if you come back on Thursday you can have it ".
"Sorry," said the customer " I can't make it on Thursday. That's the day I'm having my leg cut off ."
Another Groaner
How much does it cost for a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buck an ear! Aaaarrr!
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