A kindergarden pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked him. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." ************************************** A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know and I'm gonna get boobs too." *************************************** A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-aaad.." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?" "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later: "Da-aaad...When you come to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?" ***************************************** An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischieft, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!" ***************************************** One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." **************************************** It was that time, during the Sunday morning service for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says its a b*tch to iron." *************************************** When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old came into the room as I was preparing to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?" **************************************** One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken little to her class. She came to the part where the Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read, "...and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling!" The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think the farmer said?" One little girl raised her hadn and said, "I think he said: "Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Hi Sherrie: Here is one for you that your "fans" will likely not only enjoy but relate to. It is rather long but well worth the read. Mean Moms >> >> Someday when my children are old enough to >> understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will >> tell them, as my Mean Mom told me: I loved you >> enough . . . to ask where you were going, with whom, >> and what time you would be home. >> >> I loved you enough to be silent and let you >> discover that your new best friend was a creep. >> >> I loved you enough to make you go pay for the >> bubble gum you had taken and tell the clerk, "I >> stole this yesterday and want to pay for it." >> >> I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours >> while you cleaned your room, a job that should have >> taken 15 minutes. >> >> I loved you enough to let you see anger, >> disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children must >> learn that their parents aren't perfect. >> >> I loved you enough to let you assume the >> responsibility for your actions even when the >> penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart. >> >> But most of all, I loved you enough . . . to say >> NO when I knew you would hate me for it. >> >> Those were the most difficult battles of all. I'm >> glad I won them, because in the end you won, too. >> And someday when your children are old enough to >> understand the logic that motivates parents, you >> will tell them. >> >> Was your Mom mean? I know mine was. We had the >> meanest mother in the whole world! While other kids >> ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, >> eggs, and toast. When others had a Pepsi and a >> Twinkie for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches. And you >> can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was >> different from what other kids had, too. >> >> Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all >> times. You'd think we were convicts in a prison. She >> had to know who our friends were, and what we were >> doing with them. She insisted that if we said we >> would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an >> hour or less. >> >> We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve >> to break the Child Labor Laws by making us work. We >> had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to >> cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trash >> and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie >> awake at night thinking of more things for us to do. >> >> She always insisted on us telling the truth, the >> whole truth, and nothing but the truth. By the time >> we were teenagers, she could read our minds and had >> eyes in the back of her head. Then, life was really >> tough! >> >> Mother wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn >> when they drove up. They had to come up to the door >> so she could meet them. While everyone else could >> date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until >> we were 16. >> >> Because of our mother we missed out on lots of >> things other kids experienced. None of us have ever >> been caught shoplifting, vandalizing other's >> property or ever arrested for any crime. It was all >> her fault. >> >> Now that we have left home, we are all educated, >> honest adults. We are doing our best to be mean >> parents just like Mom was. >> >> I think that is what's wrong with the world today. >> It just doesn't have enough mean moms! >> >> >> PASS THIS ON TO ALL THE MEAN MOTHERS YOU KNOW. >> (And Their Kids!!!)

Hello thanks for the storys enjoyed them. Fredie

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this is great great stuff.