DRINKING FAST
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as
he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy
says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
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WHAT'S THE OTHER SIDE LIKE?
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?"
"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."
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ALL IN THE FAMILY
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his
hand.
"We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered.
"But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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POLITICALLY CORRECT "SHE"
She does not: GET PMS
She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She is not: A BAD COOK
She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not: A BAD DRIVER
She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not: EASY
She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED
She does not get: DRUNK
She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED
She is not: A GOSSIP
She is a: VERBAL TERMINATOR
She does not have: A BIG BUTT
She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS (???)
She is not: COLD OR FRIGID
She is: THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE
She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
She will never: GAIN WEIGHT
She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
She does not: SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences: TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION
She does not: SUN BATHE
She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT
Her breast will never: SAG
They will: LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD
She does not: SHOP TOO MUCH
She is: OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS
She does not: SNORE
She is: NASALLY REPETITIVE
She does not: GET DRUNK
She becomes: VERBALLY DYSLEXIC
She is not: TOO SKINNY
She is: SKELETALLY PROMINENT
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Have A Great Weekend,
Phil