Hello Friends,

Since today happens to be Christmas Day, we might as well start this attempt at humor with a few Christmas jokes...

Santa is Quitting

T'was the night before Christmas,
Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks,
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for **** near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear?

The old lady *****es cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - the reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things
would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't **** funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?

And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little ****s
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!

Author Unknown

Letter From Santa

Dear Friends
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of Christmas", but we had a little problem up here.
The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with VD from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my ass in bird ****. On top of all this, Mrs. Clause is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined The Gay Liberation Front, and those dumb Newfoundlanders have scheduled Christmas for the 5th Of February.

Sincerely, Santa

Christmas is just plain weird.
What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree in your living room eating candy and snacks out of your socks?

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"
"Something for my mother, please," said the young lady.
"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her?"
Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a female. We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Q: If you're afraid of Santa Claus,
what condition do you have?
A: Claustrophobia

Holiday Fruitcake Recipe

1 C Water
1 C Sugar
4 Large eggs
3 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C Brown sugar
Lemon juice, nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take out a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another cup. Turn off the mixer.
Break two geggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the burner.
If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaters,
pry it loose with a screwdriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for toxisisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt.
Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one tablespoon of sugar or something...whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn on the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruit cake anyway???

You Know You have a
Bad Mall Santa When...

10. Instead of saying, “Ho-Ho-Ho,”
he exclaims “Oy vey!”

9. He asks the mothers if
they want to sit on his lap.

8. His credentials include a Playgirl Centerfold.”

7. You recognize him as a former NFL star
doing Community Service hours.

6. He avoids the the food court
unless his lawyer is present.

5. He refers to the wishing fountain
as his “tip jar.”

4. He won’t talk to the kids
without a disclaimer.

3. He asks the kids to leave him
milk and ATM cards.

2. He becomes the new
cigarette lobby spokesman.

1. Before the kids sit on his lap
he orders the elves to frisk them.

Hope You've Had A Happy Christmas,

Phil

Hi Phil,

Thanks for the laughs, I sorely needed them....What a hoot!!!

Have a wonderful and blessed holiday season!!!

Take care,

Jo

I think Santa Claus is a woman ... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth,but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing socialdeal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selectinggifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind ofEbenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazingcalm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products,socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might thinkthis would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells meit's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-makingburden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if hewere a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to finda rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buckseason had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to thetaxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportationproblems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow andclouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney,where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks inthe flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in everygas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked tostraighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

• Men can't pack a bag.
• Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
• Men would feel their masculinity is threatened ... having to be seen withall those elves.
• Men don't answer their mail.
• Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest asanything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
• Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
• Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability topick up women.
• Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

• Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
  Definite guy.

• Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
  Guy

• Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
  Ditto

Hi Jo,

Thanks for coming by and I'm glad that you got a smile or two from the jokes.

Here's one you might like...

Christmas downsizing

Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Phil

Hi Myrna,

Thanks for taking time from your busy Christmas Day to stop by and visit.

Thanks for the Joke. I've often wondered how a man could do all that traveling, since he would never stop to ask for directions.

AOLer's the night before Christmas

'Twas, the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.

No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There'd be no **** reindeer, and no stupid clatter.

There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I'll be alone, my computer and me.

I won't race to the window, to see him arrive.
I'll just sit right here..... with windows ninety-five.

There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.

I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that's about.

As, I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.

A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And, ask, if I might like to chat for a while.

She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.

She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.

She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight.

He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.
So, she thought she'd use it, "I guess it's all right."

She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How, she was expected to be a good wife.

She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because, she was forced, to do such silly deeds.

She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me...... she was oversexed.

She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.
He's always too busy, and getting too old.

Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her, to have cyber-sex.

I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got really good.

After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.

She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.

She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.

She said, only.... on this night, she could be found.
It is only.... this night, her husband leaves town.

She said bye, and signed off.....and I had to pause.
I think I just cybered........with Mrs. Santa Claus!!!!

Have A Happy Christmas & May You Always Have A Reason To Smile,

Phil