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WARNING SIGNS OF INSANITY
You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Sydney asking why you never write
You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn
You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits
You have a predominant fear of fabric softener
Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of them, in places you wouldn't even expect tentacles to be growing from!
You're always having to apologise to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn decorations
Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death
You laugh out loud during funerals
Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask
You begin to stop and consider all the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge
You have meaningful conversations with your toaster (Well, it's a better conversationalist that the kettle)
You collect dead windowsill flies
Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got it's wings!"
You like cats. Especially with tomato sauce
You scream "I've got a knife!" while wielding your toothbrush to people who try to sell you things
You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued
You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch
Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards
Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons
When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears"
You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you
You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes
You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease
You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretent that you're a stalk
You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it
People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
"HOW TO KNOW WHETHER IT'S TIME TO HAVE CHILDREN" test
MESS TEST : Smear peanut butter on the lounge and curtains. Place a fish finger behind the lounge and leave it there all summer.
GROCERY STORE TEST : Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
FEEDING TEST : Obtain a big plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with cord. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug. Now dump the contents on the floor.
TOY TEST : Dump out a bunch of Lego in your main walk way, clean them up and dump them back out again. Repeat several times - all the while stepping on little pieces as you go.
THE FINAL TEST : Find a couple who have a child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerence, toilet training and child's table manners. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
DRESSING TEST : Obtain one large, very unhappy octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside
NIGHT TEST : Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 5 to 8 kilograms of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3.00 pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9.00 pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10.00 pm. Get up, pick up your bag and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4.00 am. Set alarm for 5.00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful !
INGENUITY TEST : Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into a crocodile. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower
CAR TEST : Forget the expensive model car and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there ! Get a coin. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size pack of chocolate chip cookies, mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect !
PHYSICAL TEST : (Women) Strap a 10 kilogram bag of sugar on your belly and carry it around for 9 months. Now remove 1 kilo of the sugar. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes, you won't be wearing them for a while
PHYSICAL TEST : (Men) Go to the nearest chemist. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time
Kathy Martin
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