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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 1 October 2005
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas
Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon, in the private
function room
at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll
have a small
band playing traditional carols ........ feel free to
sing along!
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00pm.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that
time; however,
no gift should be over $10 to make the giving of gifts
easy for
everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will
make a special
announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
*************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 2 October 2005
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday,
which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not
this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday
Party". The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not
Christians or those
still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree present, No Christmas
carols sung. We
will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
***************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 3 October 2005
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table................. you
didn't sign your
name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request but if I put a
sign on a table
that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous
anymore. How am I
supposed to handle this?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are
allowed since
the union members feel that $10 is too much money and
executives
believe $10 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
****************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4 October 2005
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that
December 20 begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating
and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously we can appreciate how a luncheon at this
time of the year
does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.
Perhaps the Grill
House can hold off on serving your meal until the end
of the party -
or else package everything for you to take it home in
little foil
doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight
Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women
will get the
table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do
not have to sit
with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes,
there will be a
flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross-dress, no
cross-dressing
allowed though.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat
food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the
salt used in the
food, we suggest for those people with high blood
pressure to taste
first.
There will be fresh fruits for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot
supply "No sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
***************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All ****ing Employees
DATE: 5 October 2005
RE: The ****ing Holiday Party
Vegetarian *****s I've had it with you people!!! We're
going to keep
this at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so
you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death", as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your ****ing salad
bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings
too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing them
scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and
die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
**********************
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6 October 2005
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis
a speedy
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to
her
In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
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