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Hello All My AdlandPro Friends and Family!
I decided to write up Commandment # 5 today since I missed yesterday, and I am be too busy tomorrow! So, here is # 5!
"Thou hast permission at all times to say "NO", to change thy mind, and to express thy true feelings."
How often in your life have you been criticized for having the feelings you do? Did this make you feel invalidated? How often do you simply stuff your feelings and go along with the crowd, saying "yes" when you really wanted to say "no", just to keep the peace? And when you do this, how do you feel afterwards?
There is an old saying that "Good children make lousy adults." "Good" little boys and girls always follow the rules imposed on them by others. At some point in their development though they need to declare their own sense of self, to express their own true thoughts and feelings.
Adults with healthy self-esteem are able to express themselves freely, regardless of others' reactions. They are able to disagree, set their own boundaries, and maintain a strong sense of personal self.
The reason we usually "give in" to others' feelings is that we have developed a fear of repercussions. Somewhere along our life's path, we got a message that our survival depended on us not expressing ourselves completely. Despite the fact that whatever negative circumstances may have existed at the time, they have likely changed by now, but our brains are still operating under the old program. Consequently, it's much easier for us to just go along with the crowd, to be a "yes" person and blend in with our surroundings. To do this though is so damaging to our self-esteem.
This brings us to the subject of risk. Healthy living involves healthy risk taking. Learning to speak up for ourselves becomes a very important part of our well-being. This means facing our fears - of rejection, of disapproval, of not being accepted. And there is an technique that can be of great value here - it's called "just do it." Once we break through our fears, we will sense our personal power coming back. Just as we had built a habit of giving in, now we must create a habit of speaking out! Habits are created through repeated actions, coupled with strong desire. So, speak out! Be free to say "Yes". And free to say "No". Free to change your mind if you so desire. Your self-esteem will love you for it.
Resolutions:
1) Become aware of the times in your life that you say "yes", but really mean "no".
2) Decide in each circumstance if you could suffer serious harm for disagreeing. If not, then get the courage to speak your mind. Observe your feelings afterwards - notice the direct link between speaking your mind and feeling empowered. Make a conscious effort to build this habit into your daily self-expression.
3) Practice changing your mind on a regular basis. Begin with minor events, and proceed to more major issues. Although this may be considered "flaky behavior" in some circles, the ability to change one's mind is a very human trait and an integral part of a healthy self-esteem.
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Never feel as if you have to go along with what others want to say and do. You have the right to say "No" if you do not want to do something, and "Yes" if you do. And of course, you always have the right to change your mind.
Don't go along with others just to feel liked, or because you think people will be mad at you. People will respect you more when you show that you have backbone, and can speak your own mind. Take a risk sometimes, and do something you wouldn't normally do! You will feel much better about yourself, and start building good self-esteem.
Marilyn L. Ali
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