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History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually,
it was 40,000 years ago.)
Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast
and live on fish and lobster in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and
the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These were the foundations of modern civilization and, together, were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals
and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early
human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just
stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at night
while they were drinking beer.
This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative
movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the
Conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbeques and doing the sewing,
fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.
The rest became known as girlymen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
invention of group therapy, group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to
decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the
jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added)(& foo foo coffee), but
most prefer white wine or imported, bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and
French food are standard Liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated
hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They
eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, fighter pilots, athletes and generally anyone who works
productively outside government.
Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to
work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing.
They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with
the production. Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.
That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives
were coming to America. They crept in
after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for
nothing. They like to take from the
rich (working class) and give to the poor (non-working class).
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a Liberal will have an uncontrollable urge to
respond to the above instead of simply laughing and deleting or forwarding it.
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