FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources
Director
TO: All Employees
DATE:
October 02, 2008
RE: Gala Holiday
Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude
our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is
an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas,
though unfortunately not
this year. However, from now on,
we're calling it our
"Holiday Party." The same policy applies
to any other employees who
are not Christians and to those
still celebrating
Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas
tree and no Christmas
carols will be sung. We will have other
types of music for your
enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your
family,
Patty
================================================
FROM: Patty
Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All
Employees
DATE: October 03, 2008
RE:
Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ...
You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate
this request, but if I
put a sign on a table that reads,
"AA Only"; you
wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to
handle this? Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gifts
exchange, no
gifts are allowed since
the union members feel that
$10.00 is too much money
and the executives believe
$10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO
GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
==========================================
FROM: Patty Lewis,
Human Resources Director
To: All
Employees
DATE: October 04, 2008
RE:
Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea
that
December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of
Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously,
we
can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of
year
does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party or
else
package everything for you to take it home in
little f
oil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've
arranged for members of Weight Watchers
to sit farthest from the dessert
buffet, and pregnant women
will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit
with each other. Lesbians do not
have to sit with Gay
men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower
arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to
cross dress, the Grill House
asks that no cross-dressing allowed,
apparently because
of
concerns about
confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for
short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am
sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used
in the food . The
Grill House suggests that people with high
blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar"
fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant
cannot supply
"No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss
anything?!?!?
Patty
===============================================
FROM:
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All
F#$&*ng Employees
DATE: October 05,
2008
RE: The F*%#ing
Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to
keep
this party at
the Grill House whether you like it or not, so
you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death,"
as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your
fu&*^%g salad bar,
including organic tomatoes. But you know,
tomatoes have
feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
heard
them scream. I'm
hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you fu@*&ng weirdos can
kiss my *ss.
I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk
and die,
The B* from HE*^!!!!!!!!
===============================================
FROM: Joan
Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06,
2008
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday
Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and
I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management
has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd
off with full pay.
Happy
Holidays!
Joan