I'd like to introduce you to our favourite Aussie pastime, taking the piss mickey out of each other. Here is how we see ourselves:
We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas, and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody-well like.
We are one nation but divided into many states. First there's Victoria, named after a Queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and big horse races. It's capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable", at least, that's what they think. The rest of us think it's too bloody cold and wet.
Next there's New South Wales, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly, and millions of dancing queens. It's capital, Sydney, has more queens than any other city and is proud of it. It's mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their speedos up their cracks to keep the right and left sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, which has a wood-chip industry and magnificent views, and maps of the state bring smiles to the sternest of faces.
South Australia is a province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. They had the Grand Prix but lost it when the views of the capital, Adelaide, sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving, because if it did all the young men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts, but many of them still work in the Government today.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land, with sheep stations the size of Europe. Kangaroos, jackeroos, emus and Uluru, and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, very few of us live there, and the rest of us prefer to fly over it on the way to Bali.
And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland, as it is beautiful one day, perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
Oh yes, and there's Canberra (national seat). The less said about that, the better.
We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude, and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).
We love sport so much our newsreaders' can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, horse racing, two up and roo shooting.
Stand proud Aussies, we are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. We also shoot and eat the two animals on our national crest. No other country has that distinction.