I was born in Oakville Ontario, on January 18th 1962. My grand mother raised me for my first year, as I was a small and sickly child. After my first year, I went to live with my parents. Which wasn't an easy or loving situation. I was born with a handy cap, so to a drunken father I couldn't have been his, And a mother that couldn't except me. Being brought up with a family that hated me so has affected my life in a big way. I remember being locked in the closet to sleep at night. Hiding every time my father came home,I remember the nightmares. The nightmares that haunted my life. But I am getting ahead of myself here, Finally after running away time after time the welfare system took notice. My father was taken away. He was charged with child abuse, I never saw him after that. except in my nightmares, afraid to sleep at night. As the nightmares always came. Which stayed with me until I was 17 years old, and told my father had drowned. As for my mother she hated me, she said that it was my fault that that the family wasn't together. I was 5 years old when my father was put in prison, by the age of 7 I was taken from the home and put into the welfare system. I did see my mom from time to time, it was hard being the only child of 6 that wasn't with her family. At that time all I wanted was to be loved, but love wasn't gonna find me with her. At the age of 16 I went to live with my mom, but she was more cruel. So I tried staying out as much as I could. Every time something happened at home, I was blamed. If one of my sisters or brothers did something, they would blame it on me. Here is an example, my brother told my mom that I had taken 10 cents from her coat pocket. Well she believed him, so up the stairs she came. I remember laying on the floor, while she was kicking me in the back and chest and stomach. Because of this kind of stuff happening I did everything I could to stay away from her. So a friend of mine at the time suggested, that if we got married my mom wouldn't be able to touch me again. So at 16 years old, I got married. I finally would be considered an adult, and my mom couldn't touch me. I ended up pregnant at 17 and alone, as I left my husband. Another friend and I got together, he excepted that I was pregnant. Things were okay for about 5 years, in which I had 2 more children with him. But things weren't working out between us, so we choose to part. And all this time, I was still trying to have a relationship with my mom. I was setting myself up to be hurt by her I would take my last dollar, to put into the gas tank. Just to be able to drive her around, and she couldn't even buy me a cup of coffee. I remember going home, and just crying from the hurt. After years of trying to have a relationship with my mom, I finally had to let it go. Because I knew, that no matter what I said or did she was never gonna love me. I finally came around and put my energy into my children, and there needs. I wasn't gonna let my personal life affect them. I took a course in traffic control and tried to improve my life. I did traffic control for about 13 years. I know that my kids have been affected by my life, not having there grandma like most families do. They have voiced there hate for her, but I've always tried to smooth things over. I moved away from having to see my mom, as it always seemed, I would run into her here and there. And a big part of my recovery was to not see her. But in doing that I now live along ways away from my adult children, and my 2 beautiful grand daughters and one grand son. And having medical problems, I can't afford to move or live near where they do. I have been told by the doctor that I will have to give up on traffic control, and this is my lively hood. But the pain I'm in every day, with my arm is making my life tough. I know that I will have to give it up, so I turned to the internet. Only to get scammed at everything I tried. I do not want to have to depend on anyone for help, as I'm a fighter. When I first started online, I was full of hope and self worth. But over time and being scammed as much as I was has left me a little insecure. I want to be self supporting and make enough money, that I can move closer to my daughter and grand daughters. As I miss them so much. Since I moved out here, I basically have made myself a loner. I don't go out. I have no life or happiness, it is my family that brings me my happiness. I know that closing myself off from the outside world isn't healthy. I want to move closer and try and start my life over. I have come to a big turning point in my life, I'm tired of feeling lonely, and not having any friends. It has taken me to hit rock bottom, that I know I have to make some changes. If I want to be happy I have to take action. And thats where I am, I do not want pity, Wanting these things in my life, has opened my eyes. But I will fight for my freedom and my life. I would love to write a e-book on the lasting effects of child abuse. In writing this about my life, it is aiding me in my recovery, As my silence I have held deep inside all these years needs to be unleashed. And talking and sharing this will dramatically aid in that recovery. I look back on my life, If people truly knew the effects of child abuse and how it effects the person the rest of there lives. If in writing about my life, I stop just one person from doing this to there child. Then my life will truly have a meaning. After I was taken away from my mom, I was brought up catholic. I attended a catholic church until I was 16, it was at this time that I got really angry with my family and yes with god. I had lost my faith, I couldn't understand how he could let all the things that happened in my life happen. I remain angry for most of my adult life, Though hitting rock bottom in my depression and loneliness, I realized the only person I was hurting was myself. I realized that until I could forgive my mom and dad, that I would remain angry and bitter. I cannot say that today I am totally free from the hurt, but I am working on that every day. I have found a power I had lost for so many year, I had lost myself. I am my most powerful asset. And with the help of god I will strive to achieve my goals. ( WE ALL HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE OUR LIVES AND ACHIEVE OUR GOALS ) NOW on a lighter note, I guess I'm to old to be "adopted". HA HA HA Your Friend Julie