As a girl raised on both sides of the Mason-Dixie line; ex-husband in the North and currently in the South with my Southern spouse they both will tell their friends "My wife ain't nothing to bark at" ... I do not bark back, I require less sleep than either. I have threatened both spouses, that I would tie them to the bed post and flog them til they scream Jesus have mercy, if they ever raised their hand against me. HOT grits is an alternative ...

Hi Jan,

A woman is walking along the beach when she finds a genie lamp. She rubs the lamp and a genie comes out and says "I may grant you 3 wishes, but your Husband will get double."

The woman wishes for a new car. The genie gives her a new car and the woman's husband 2 new cars.

Next, the woman wishes for a fully paid up $1,000,000 life insurance policy. The genie gives her the policy and then her husband gets a $2,000,000 policy.

Finally, the woman says, "For my final wish, I wish to be beaten half to death."

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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Then, climb down and get your own blanket."

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A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it."

He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."

She shrugs and walks away.

Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She answers, "Your horse called."

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And finally,

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I'ma gonna go pick her up."

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Hi Everyone,

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

My Dearest Susan,

Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

Yours always and truly,

John

P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

Common wedding questions and answers

Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?

A: Not if you are the groom.

Q: How many showers is the bride supposed to have?

A: At least one within a week of the wedding.

Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?

A: Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post".

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.

A farmer replied, "Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."

"Well," replied the man, "she must have had a lot of friends."

"Nope," said the farmer, "we all just want to buy his mule."

Hello Everyone,

Hello Friends,

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her hard glances and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in hurry and not a happy camper about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With a good tail wind and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."

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The top toothbrush salesman at the company was asked by his boss how he managed to sell so many brushes.

He replied "It's easy" and he pulled out his card table, setting his display of brushes on top. He told his boss, I lay the brushes out like this, and then I put out some potato chips and dip to draw in the customers. He laid out his chips and dip.

His boss said, "That's a very innovative approach" and took one of the chips, dipped it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Yuck, this tastes terrible!" his boss yelled.

The salesman replied "IT IS! Want to buy a toothbrush?"

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One day Mike was sitting in his apartment when his doorbell unexpectedly rang. He answered the door and found a salesman standing on his porch with a strange object.

"What is that?" Mike asked.

"It's a thermos," the salesman replied.

"What does it do?" asked Mike. "This baby," the salesman said, "keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

After some deliberation Mike bought one, deciding it would really help his lunch situation.

The next day he arrived at the plant where he works. Sure enough, all the other employees were curious about his new object. "What is it?" they asked.

"It's a thermos," Mike replied.

"What does it do?" they asked.

"Well," Mike says in a bragging manner, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"What do ya got in it?"

To which Mike says, "Three cups of coffee and a popsicle."

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An inexperienced real estate salesman asked his boss if he could refund the deposit to an angry customer who had discovered that the lot he had bought was under water.

“What kind of salesman are you?” the boss scolded. “Get out there and sell that man a boat!"

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"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his Salesmen when he came in one morning.

"Yes, sir," the salesman replied.

"That's good," the boss said. "Because, after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

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A Cajun named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from

an old farmer named Ben for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the

donkey the next day.

The next day, Ben drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news.

The donkey died."

"Well, then, just give me the money back," said Jean Paul

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Replied Ben

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey," said Jean Paul.

"What ya going to do with him?" asked Ben.

"I'm going to raffle him off," said Jean Paul.

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" uttered Ben.

"Sure can. Watch me. I just won't tell that he's dead," said Jean Paul.

A month later Ben met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened

with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off, I did. I sold 500-hundred tickets at two dollars apiece

and made a profit of $898," said Jean Paul.

"Didn't anyone complain?" inquired Ben.

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back,” said Jean Paul

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