Hi Sara & Karen,

I'm so glad you all dropped by and I'm always glad when you get a Grin & a Giggle or two.

Karen, I loved the "Discrimination" Cartoon, and the story about us "Old Folks" fighting the wars was Funny as well, and Oh So True!!

Sometimes You Crack Me Up!

Here's a few more I hope Y'all will like...

Mailing a Bible

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family
Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal
clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

__________

Political Corruption

At the height of a political corruption trial, the
prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he
bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to
compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear
the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to
compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer
the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking
to you."

__________

Nine Out of Ten

I was meeting a friend in a bar and as I went in, I noticed
two pretty girls looking at me.

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy
and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I
walked in, they were speaking German."

__________

Planting Potatoes

A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold the farm together until her husband can get out. She's not, however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail: "Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes. When is the best time to do it?"

The farmer writes back: "Honey, don't go near that field. That's where all my guns are buried."

But, because he is in jail, all of the farmer's mail is censored. So when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they don't find one single weapon.

The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you should plant the potatoes."

__________

Fixing Dinner

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air-conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town. Go inside and figure dinner out yourself."

So he went back into the house and fixed himself a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where's mine?"

He said, "Huh, I thought you were out of town."

__________

Have A Blessed & Beautiful Memorial Day,

Phil

Hello My Friends,

As I mentioned over at my Memorial Day thread, I always smile when I am reminded of my Dad each Memorial Day. This man, the same man who had fought in WWII, "the war to end all wars", and the very same man who would stand rigidly at attention with just the slightest tear in his eye, whenever The Flag passed by in a parade, this man loved to laugh. I used to love the sound of his laughter and I would prefer to rememmber him that way, on this Memorial Day. I like to think that he would have enjoyed the following cute jokes & stories about the Military.

~~~~~

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to police the area.
I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Kathy, Dirty Magazines means the clips from their rifles had not been properly cleaned."

~~~~~

Think about this for just a minute.

To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.

~~~~~

Having passed the enlistment physical, John was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."

~~~~~

Shortly before the fall of Hong Kong in 1941, I was serving on a patrol vessel when we saw a Japanese transport vessel towing one of the local junks. As we approached, the junk was released, but soon a Japanese destroyer arrived on the scene and hoisted a signal ordering us to stop. We ignored it, so they hoisted another signal saying they would fire a warning shot across our bow.
The Captain turned to the signalman and told him to hoist THZZZ. "It will keep them busy trying to find that in the code book," he said.
"What does it mean?" asked the signalman.
"It's the nearest I can get to a raspberry," replied the captain.

~~~~~

An Army Ranger was on vacation in Louisiana and wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes. However, the local vendors were asking very high prices. So the Army Ranger decided to go into the swamps and get his own alligator and then have the shoes made at a more reasonable price. When he mentioned this to one of the shopkeepers, he was told that he might run into a couple of Marines who had decided to do the same thing.
So the Ranger headed into the bayou and a few hours later he saw the two Marines. They were standing waist deep in the water. The Ranger then saw a huge gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.
Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.
The Ranger then heard one of the Marines shout, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

~~~~~

Military Computer

The US succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: "Attack or retreat?"
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: "Yes."
The generals look at each other, bewildered. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: "Yes what?"
Instantly the computer responded: "Yes sir."

~~~~~

Wishing You & Yours A Safe & Happy Memorial Day,

Phil

Hello My Friends,

Sorry to have been away so long, but I hope you'll let me make it up to you with a little bit of Church Humor..

A Priest & A Rabbi

A priest and a rabbi are in a car crash and it's a bad one. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi says, "So you're a priest. That's interesting; I'm a rabbi. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace."

The priest replies, "Oh, yes, I agree. It's a miracle that we survived and are here together."

"And here's another miracle," says the rabbi. "My car is destroyed but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine and celebrate our good fortune," he says, handing the bottle to the priest.

The priest nods in agreement, opens the wine, drinks half of it, and hands it back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes it and puts the cap back on.

"Aren't you going to have any? asks the priest."

"Not now. I think I'll wait until the police come and write their report."

__________

.

Hello My Friends,

Here's just a little more about Wedded Bliss...

God & Adam Strike A Deal

After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.
He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."

Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"

The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."

"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"

__________

Just A Little Confused

A woman calls her husband into the bedroom. "Now Mike, I want you to take off my blouse!"

"Good.."

"Now I also want you to take off my Bra."

"Good..."

"Now can you take off my panties."

"Very Good! Now, don't let me catch you wearing them again!"

__________

A Testing Question

This guy's wife asks, "Honey if I died would you remarry?"

He replies, "Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would."

She says, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?"

He replies, "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?"

And he says, "That bed is brand new, we just paid two thousand dollars for it, it's going to last a long time, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"

And he says, "Oh no, she's left handed."

__________

Standing In Line

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

__________

Driving Home One Afternoon

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He looks in his rear view mirror and notices a police car with its red lights. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy", so he floors it.

The cars are racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy realizes he can't outrun the cop so he gives up and pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

__________

Have A Great Week My Friends,

Phil

Hi Friends,

Brought along my Animal Friends for a Couple of Laughs...

The Story Of The Bats

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

__________

The Snail & The Fast Car

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

___________

The Seeing Eye Dog

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."

The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

__________

A Very Smart Dog

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.

"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."

The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

__________

A Preacher's Parrot

A preacher is buying a parrot.

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the Lord's Prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.

__________

Have A Happy Day,

Phil