Hello Friends,
Since today happens to be Christmas Day, we might as well start this attempt at humor with a few Christmas jokes...
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Santa is Quitting
T'was the night before Christmas,
Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks,
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for **** near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear?
The old lady *****es cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - the reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things
would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't **** funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little ****s
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!
Author Unknown
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Letter From Santa
Dear Friends
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of Christmas", but we had a little problem up here.
The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with VD from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my ass in bird ****. On top of all this, Mrs. Clause is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined The Gay Liberation Front, and those dumb Newfoundlanders have scheduled Christmas for the 5th Of February.
Sincerely, Santa
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Christmas is just plain weird.
What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree in your living room eating candy and snacks out of your socks?
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The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"
"Something for my mother, please," said the young lady.
"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her?"
Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"
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According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a female. We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
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Q: If you're afraid of Santa Claus,
what condition do you have?
A: Claustrophobia
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Holiday Fruitcake Recipe
1 C Water
1 C Sugar
4 Large eggs
3 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C Brown sugar
Lemon juice, nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take out a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another cup. Turn off the mixer.
Break two geggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the burner.
If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaters,
pry it loose with a screwdriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for toxisisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt.
Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one tablespoon of sugar or something...whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn on the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruit cake anyway???
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You Know You have a
Bad Mall Santa When...
10. Instead of saying, “Ho-Ho-Ho,”
he exclaims “Oy vey!”
9. He asks the mothers if
they want to sit on his lap.
8. His credentials include a Playgirl Centerfold.”
7. You recognize him as a former NFL star
doing Community Service hours.
6. He avoids the the food court
unless his lawyer is present.
5. He refers to the wishing fountain
as his “tip jar.”
4. He won’t talk to the kids
without a disclaimer.
3. He asks the kids to leave him
milk and ATM cards.
2. He becomes the new
cigarette lobby spokesman.
1. Before the kids sit on his lap
he orders the elves to frisk them.
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Hope You've Had A Happy Christmas,
Phil