Talking to God
A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to
God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean
to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
The man asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
The man asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
~~~~~~
Bad Golfer
Jim was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of golf
balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his
way out of the rough, when his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt.
Jim exploded.
"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.
"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a
coincidence."
~~~~~~
Free Boose
It is the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, two cars both
slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They
collide and a fair amount of damage is done, miraculously neither
driver is hurt.
They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls
the police on his cell phone and they say they will be there within 20
minutes.
It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the
doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts,
drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who then puts it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the doctor says.
~~~~~~
Best Patients
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the
operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating
table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left
over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it
would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
~~~~~~
Blood Test
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying
very loudly.
2nd Child: " Why are you crying? "
1st Child: " I came here for a blood test."
2nd Child: " So? Are you afraid? "
1st Child: "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."
At this, the second one started crying profusely.
The first one was astonished.
1st Child: " Why are you crying now? "
2nd Child: " I came for a urine test! "
~~~~~~
The Doctor Appointment
An 80 year old man went for his annual checkup and the doctor said, “Friend for your age you’re in the best shape I’ve seen.” The old feller replied, “Yep, it comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean spiritual life.”
The doctor asked, “What makes you say that?” The old man replied,
“If I didn’t live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn’t turn the
bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the
night.”
The doc was concerned. “You mean, when you get up to go to the
bathroom, the Lord, Himself, turns on the light for you?” “Yep.” the
old man said, “Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns
on the light for me.”
Well, the doctor didn’t say anything else, but when the old man’s
wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her
husband said. “I just want you to know,” the doctor said, “your
husband’s in fine physical shape but I’m worried about his mental
condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the
bathroom, the Lord turns on the light for him.”
“He what???” she cried.
He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom the Lord turns on the light for him.”
“A-ha!!!” she exclaimed. “So that’s the smell inside the refrigerator!”
~~~~~~
That's all Folks - Enjoy and have a Great Day!