One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'  So he tied her up and went golfing. 

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A  woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
 The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.' 

  
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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. 

   
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 A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters      'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'  'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.' 
 
*************************************  Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'  'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen  to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'  
                  
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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.  

Hi Mary,

Thanks for the Grins & Giggles. 

Here's a few more:

You Have The Right To Remain "SILENT"

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very
high-profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its
14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to
deliver its verdict to the judge.

The judge turned to the jury foreman and asked, "Has the
jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes we have, Your Honor," the foreman responded.

"Please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned
for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the
foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge read the verdict himself, he delivered the
verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the
foreman. He then instructed the foreman, "Please read your
verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank
robbery," announced the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jumped for joy at
the sound of the "not guilty" verdict, and they hugged each
other as they shouted expressions of divine gratitude. The
defendant's attorney turned to his client and asked, "So,
what do you think about that?"

The defendant looked around the courtroom slowly with a
bewildered look on his face and then turned to his defense
attorney and said, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean
that I have to give all the money back?"

__________

Sermon Message

Sister Margaret had spent weeks preparing the first grade
children for their first Communion, stressing the solemnity
and importance of this sacrament.

Much to her chagrin, during Mass on the big day, one boy in
the front row was talking and giggling nonstop. Finally,
unable to put up with it any longer, she whispered to the
lad seated next to her, "Please go up there and tell that
one he's done enough talking and had better stop, right
now!"

Without question, the boy rose and walked to the front...
and delivered Sister Margaret's message to the surprised
priest in the middle of his sermon!

__________

Natural Born "Hiker"?

Last summer, the husband took his wife camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.

One day they got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried the usual tactics to determine direction -- moss on the trees (there was none), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day), etc., etc.

Just as she was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned, and led them right back to their camp. "That was terrific," his Wife said. "How did you do it?"

"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country, all the TV satellite dishes point south."

__________

Have A Happy Weekend,

Phil

Hi Gaby,