A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...
'You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?'
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3 sisters Ann, Jan & Fanny all have big feet. Ann & Jan go on a date and one of the boys says 'Jesus, you have big feet!' Ann replies 'You should see the size of our Fanny's!'
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Paddy buys a bath, but takes it back the next day complaining the water keeps running out. The manager asks 'Did you buy a plug?'
Paddy replies, 'You didn't say it was electric!'
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In the newspaper it said 'Please look after your neighbours in the cold weather'. Our neighbour is an 87 year old woman - not once has she come round to check if we are alright. The lazy ***** hasn't even taken in her milk for 2 weeks!
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Farmer Giles gets a phone call from his farm hand.
'I've run over a pig and it's stuck under the tractor, still alive....'
'Shoot it', says the farmer, 'and then bury him'.
A little while later he gets another phone call.
Done that, what should I do with his speed camera?!'