I got this one from a long time friend.
If you can read this through without laughing. . . !!!
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted
to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my 60th birthday this year, my daughter Rachel
(the dear) purchased a week of personal training at
the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good
idea to go ahead and give it a try, I called the club
and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old
aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing
and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to
keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00a.m. Tough to get out
of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived
at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond
hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo
Hoo! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week ! !
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally
made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back
and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!
! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by
laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my
mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO
in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with
me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in
the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally
whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got
on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
"monster". Why the heck would anyone invent a machine
to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. Yeah right!
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her
vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips
were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late - it took me that long to
tie my shoes.. Belinda took me to work out with
dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in
the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find
me. Then as punishment, she put me on the rowing
machine - which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that witch Belinda more than any human
being has ever hated any other human being in the
history of this world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic little cheerleader! If there was a part of
my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would
beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't
want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *#$#
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering
machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I
did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want
to smash the machine with my planner. However, I
lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and
ended up catching 11 straight hours of the Weather.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for
services today so I can go and thank God that this
week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter Rachel (the little snot) will choose a gift
for me that is fun - like root canal or a
hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to
bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with
diamonds! ! !
Have a great weekend!
Mary
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