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Disorder In The
Court...
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
and
are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now published by
court reporters who had the torment of staying
calm while these
exchanges were actually taking
place.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie
there.
________________
____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were
you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and
Reeboks.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I
forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something
you
forgot?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that
upset you?
WITNESS: My name is
Susan!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do
you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We
do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor,
isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass
the bar
exam?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The
youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's
twenty-one.
________________________________________________
A
TTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you
shittin'
me?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the
date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY:
And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting
laid!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She
had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were
boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you
shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And
by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose
terminated
it?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can
you describe the individual?
WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a
beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:
Guess.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is
your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition
notice which I sent to your
attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to
work.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are
performed on dead people. Would you
like to rephrase
that?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL
your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?
WITNESS:
Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do
you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started
around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr
Denton was dead at the t ime?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table
wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on
him!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are
you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to
ask that question?
________________________________________________
---
And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the
autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY:
Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you chec k
for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the
patient was alive when you
began the
autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure,
Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible
that he could have been alive and
practicing
law.
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