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Understanding Domestic Abuse From the Inside 8/20/2007 4:46:58 PM
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Domestic abuse is not a new issue. It is something that has been going on
ever since the beginning of civilization. It's been a subject to be kept hidden
in the closet for a very long time; in recent decades though, it has been
escaping. Women have been speaking out about domestic abuse, but more
needs to be done to create an atmosphere of awareness among the outsiders, those
not inside the proverbial four walls; especially those who are choosing to look
the other way. You see, when a woman is in an abusive relationship, everyone who
is not a part of the domestic unit, is an outsider.
It is very easy to be
judgmental of both the abused and the abuser, when your life doesn't consist of
abusive treatment. It is interesting too, that most outsiders are in denial
about the abuser, when they are close to them, and harshly judgmental regarding
the abused. Like it's her problem; she's doing something
wrong...
"Harry just isn't like that. He would never do such terrible
things. I've never heard him even raise his voice."
"Sally must've done
something to set him off. Why is she saying such terrible things about her
husband? Poor Harry. I've never seen any bruises, or black eyes..."
The
biggest argument most people in pro-denial have is, "Why does she
stay if it is so bad?" Again, this puts it all on her.
Why would
she lie? Why would any woman make up abuse? Certainly not for attention
considering all the negative finger pointing usually goes in her direction,
while the sympathy goes to the accused. And as for pity, abused women don't want
it. They want understanding and support; they need it.
Women stay in
abusive relationships for a myriad of reasons; all of them tied to fear. It's
hard to imagine if you've never been in those shoes, but fear rules the life of
an abused woman.
Women have every right to be afraid too. They've been
programmed that way, by their abuser. What are they afraid of? The list is long,
but here's something to give you an idea:
Fear of having no place to
go
Fear of having no money
Fear for her children
Fear of being found,
stalked, brought back...
Fear of being killed (30% of homicides
committed against women are at the hands of an intimate partner- boyfriend,
husband.)
What about going to the police, you ask? Law enforcement
has failed women miserably in the past. Some very courageous women have been
killed by their abusers because law enforcement failed to protect them when they
asked for help. Restraining orders are a great thing to have, but they are only
as effective as the police who enforce them.
Guilt keeps them in the
relationship too. Misplaced guilt, that is. Abused women have been
psychologically programmed, by their abuser, to think that they are the problem,
that the abuser only does the things he does because of the things she does. In
other words, he is reacting to her; it's her fault.
Not all abuse is
physical, and that is another thing that the outsiders need to learn. The
abusive cycle starts with psychological and emotional abuse. Sometimes it
stays at that level, but it usually progresses into physical abuse. It is all
about control, and some abusers get the level of control they require without
violence, yet others don't use violence because that is how they can convince
themselves that they are doing nothing abusive.
You see no bruises
because he's beating her on the inside.
Whether the harm is done with
words and actions, or through physical violence it is still abuse, and it still
hurts. Emotional and psychological abuse tears a woman down to the core.
It strips her of her identity, keeping her a prisoner in the insane asylum of
her life. When she is told repeatedly, that she is worthless, she believes she
is truly worthless. If you are worthless, you have nowhere to go, and the abuser
has effectively locked the cell door.
Domestic abuse victims need
outreach, support, and a legal system that works for them. They don't need
pity, or judgment. Victims of domestic abuse need your help! Try to walk in
those shoes and then ask yourself, "Who would help me?" It is easy to say that
you'd do this, that, or the other thing, but unless you are actually in the
trenches, you have no idea.
Copyright © 2007
The Trii-Zine Ezine
www.ezines1.com
About the
Author:
A domestic abuse
survivor, Trina Sonnenberg used writing as a coping mechanism during her
years of abuse. Her book, 'My Journey' is the result of that personal struggle and has
been published as a way of offering solidarity and hope to others who are in a
similar situation.
Trina L.C. Sonnenberg
Publisher - The Trii-Zine Ezine -
Your Trusted Source for Internet Business and Marketing Information. Serving
online professionals since 2001. ISSN# 1555-2276
http://www.ezines1.com/triizine
domestic abuse, domestic
violence, abuser, emotional abuse, psychological abuse
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