"If I say or do something wrong or stupid, they won't like me and that means I am not okay."
The need for approval and the fear of disapproval comes from the belief that others are responsible for your worth. If they like you, you are okay, and if they don't like you, you are not okay.
If you are a person who seeks others' approval, then you have made others responsible for sense of worth.
Imagine that you have a child, and instead of loving this child, you keep giving the child away to others to define. You keep saying to this child, "You better do it right because you if they don't like you, then you are not okay." The result would be that the child would feel very insecure and unlovable, because you kept giving him or her away to others for approval.
When you make others responsible for your sense of worth, you are doing the same thing on the inner level - giving away your own inner child. Instead of defining your own worth, you are making others responsible for this.
This is a very hard way to live. You have to constantly try to figure out what someone else wants of you to get approval and avoid disapproval. Your good and bad feelings are dependent upon how you look and how you perform, so you have to be constantly on your toes.
What if you were to take on the responsibility of defining your own worth? How would you go about doing this?
One of the problems in defining your own worth is that you may have been programmed to see yourself through the eyes of your parents, teachers, siblings and peers. If, when you were growing up, you got judged, criticized, rejected or ridiculed, you may have incorporated others' images of you into your own mind. So you can't define your own worth and lovability from your wounded self - your programmed ego mind. You need to define yourself through the eyes of love, not the eyes of judgment.
Start with imagining an older, wiser part of you, or imagine a person from your childhood who really loved you. Imagine that you can see yourself as a child through the eyes of this other person or through the older part of you. What do you see? Can you see your innocence, your lovingness, your sense of wonder, your creativity, your aliveness? Open to seeing who you are in your essence - your true Self.
If you were to practice seeing who you really are - not who you are in your wounded programmed self, but who you are in your essence Self - you would start to value your own beautiful essence. As you value your essence, you would start to treat yourself in kinder, more loving ways.
The more you practice doing this, the better you will feel about yourself and the less you will seek approval from others. In time and with practice, you will find yourself feeling so much happier and more peaceful!
Practice, and keep practicing, until you get this down pat. You really will feel so much different, better and happier if you stop feeling like a victim. Stop feeling like you need everyone's approval, and just worry about how you feel. You have to make yourself happy before you can make others happy. That's a very old saying, but one that is so true...when you are happy than others around you will be too, and vice versa.
Remember...Tell yourself daily, "I AM a beautiful person inside and out and I love myself unconditionally!" Do you know what that really means...what you are really telling yourself when you say this? This means, no matter what you look like you are still beautiful, you are beautiful on the inside as well...which is where it really matters...and no matter what you love yourself always. There are NO conditions put on that in other words! You love yourself whether you are fat, skinny, short, tall, brown hair, 10 pounds too heavy...or whatever the case may be...NO conditions apply!
So, let me hear it!
"I AM a beautiful person inside and out, and I love myself unconditionally!"
OK...Very Good! Now go and have a great day!
God Loves You & So Do I...
Love Marilyn