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OK - I'm sure you've been wondering...
Here they are...
The Five Stages of Drunkenesssssssssss.......
Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the
known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on
your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always
right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong.
This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE
This is when you realize that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the
entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect
stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you.
Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person
about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You
can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet.
You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still
CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter
how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for
everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most
ATTRACTIVE person present.
Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially
those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you
are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of
the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or
strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as
being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE
than them anyway.
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do
anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to
impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the
room cannot see you. You can also snob the face off them for the same
reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You
can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no
one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all
the words.
THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP
Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the
churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realize that you have lost
not only several hours of your life, but also the ability to
concentrate on anything at all. You are now STUPID and will remain so
for a minimum of 12 hours.
Stage 2 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror, the first
thing you are horrified to discover is that you have now become even
UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you got
bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking
so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately
you are still too STUPID to know better than to try to shave while
still shaking.
Stage 3 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed, you are about to shamble out
the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week
is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what
happened to it but the traces of pizza on your clothes allow the
possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeout at some
point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might
have given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake.
Rationionalizing that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and
that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were
the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to
loathe all your friends.
Stage 4 - FRAGILE
As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE
self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures
that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.
Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS
This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can
spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance.
Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun
of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit
them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.
Tip: Don't do it... It's too painful and even more painful to watch!!
God bless,
Dave
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